The Agreement - Shakespeare's Monkeys

The Agreement

God and Satan never agreed to agree
since mankind voiced, its emboldened decree

Let us create us, in our own man made image
never in doubt, our pre-determined lineage

Sciences taught in universe cities
Satan`s law rules all, no mores the pity

Confound mans language, draw them close to the hilt
cast the first stone, he who stands without guilt

I shall sit in judgement, you accuse all mankind
I shall write their laws, you convict all you find

In this way we control, and gain all that we seek
we shall write a godly book, for future and pique

We have thus accomplished our sinister goal,
unbridle them loose, count and tally the toll

Leanne Hanson -

I like what you're saying and I like the fact that you've put it in rhyming couplets, since that's actually a bit on the subversive side these days (can't count the number of times I've heard people say "couplets are for kiddy poems" -- wankers). Anyway. The biggest problem with this, and a couple of your other poems, is getting the meter right. It can be tricky to master but once you've done it, you'll never look back -- this is a guarantee. The reason for meter is to get the rhymes to fall in the right places, without sounding forced or unnatural, so it shuts up all the critics of rhyming poetry (a little bit, they've usually got very big mouths and it's difficult to silence them forever without a shovel to the head). So if you'd like to work on some smoothing out, please let me know.

Sinnaminsun -

I think Leanne has given you some wonderful critiques on your poetry. If meter is a little difficult for you right now, you could always do syllable counts per line and try to make them an equal number. Also "articles" are always unstressed, "a, and, the, or, at", so you could always sprinkle them in when needed to create smoother meter-like flow.

I shall sit in judgement, you accuse all mankind (12 syllables)
I shall write their laws, you convict all you find (11)

In this way we control, and gain all that we seek (12)
we shall write a godly book, for future and pique (12)

We have thus accomplished our sinister goal, (11)
unbridle them loose, count and tally the toll (11)

syllable revision below, kinda changes the intent though:

I shall sit in judegement and accuse all mankind

I shall write all their laws, then convict all I find

Dan Caldwell -

Hi yeah, it changes it way too much , since god writes the laws and satan accuses and convists I cant change that or the whole thing is worng, but I can fix the syllable count, I didnt think 1 off would matter much but lol I can see I was wrong, I will get it right. I really really appreaciate the help too, as a rookis there is much to digest, so plese keep commenting when you have the time or inclanation. thanks DC