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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in The imPersonal Space of rws

Smooth Lines

~Vanishing Pointless~

 

Smooth Lines

 

Today I bought a car

With a shine so deep

You could swim in it

 

Slender and low

Obeisant commando

Potent coil of energy

 

You know, each vehicle I’ve owned

Has lines very much like

A lady I’ve met

 

I grew tired of them

As they became too comfortable

And they grew tired of me

Comments

Laura doom - on Jan. 16 2009

Hi rws

Love the opening salvo - infatuation, awe, almost worshipful. The conclusion seems to wane somewhat, particularly 'them, they, they' in the final stanza. I know it's meant to be informal, but the dry humour is somewhat blunted (?)

I played with it - hope you don't mind.
This may not be any better, but I think it's sharper (poor deluded me

Every vehicle I've owned
Displayed lines in the vein
Of a lady I know

When comfort set it
I tired of them
As she did of me

I may have misread it completely, so apologies in advance :>

 


Suter Bill - on Jan. 16 2009

Interesting suggestions, but it might blunt the uncoiling of energy I was trying to convey as naive, youthful energy gave way to cynical middle age (something I've been accused of being). Thanks for the read.

Bill

 


Laura doom - on Jan. 16 2009

Cynical or middle-aged? Surely not both?

Thanks for putting me right Bill. I guess I should have read the title with my eyes open :>


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