Logan goes to School - rough draft

writing a story for my six year old son who is learning to read. Need feedback please!

Logan likes to play, play, play

He likes to play with his toys all day

Logan wants school to just go, go away

So he can stay and play all day

But his mommy said “No, no, no, you must go, go, go!”

“You must learn all there is to know!”

But Logan thinks he knows a lot

He says “Oh my, what big brains I got!”

He can count: one, two, three and four

But his mom still says “get out the door!”

In the car he says “Please stop this ride!”

Logan looks for a good place to hide

Where, when, how and what will he do

Logan feels just a little blue

With lots of hugs and kisses too

Mommy says “Goodbye to you!”

So off to class Logan ran, ran, ran

Down the hall and kicked a can

“Walk, not run, please young man”

Said the tall lady who wags her fan

Logan sat and sat and sat

Spelled out cat and mat and bat

Read a story with a big brown rat

Who wears a funny little hat

Red and yellow, white and black

Over, under, move forward and back

The bell has rung now go have fun

There is more to do before we are done

So Logan learns to do new things

Like read and write and when the bell rings

He can go outside and play, play, play

It’s not so bad for some of the day

Comments

Laura doom -

Hi Shan - thinking about the stuff children read, such as nursery rhymes; what makes it memorable is its regularity, not only the rhyme but also the rhythm. Maybe that's something you could work on? For instance - the first stanza...

My Logan likes to play, play, play
He likes to play with toys all day
And wishes school would go away
So he can stay at home and play

I realize that version removes some of the repetition, which is also regarded as an 'aid' in learning, though I think regular rhythm makes it easier to read through it - and it is quite long. I don't know what Logan's concentration levels are like - if they're not good, you could shorten, split or present on seperate pages (if paper's the meduim you're using). Are you any good at illustrations? That would be a killer aid :>

Talking of regular, I need a crap - one of my own...

Shannon McEwen -

Thanks Laura, exactly the feedback I need! I will be seperating the final product into several pages and my daughter Meghan will be illustrating!

I will definately work on the rythmn, I am trying to balance between repetition and the flow.

Thank you very much for your feedback it was very much appreciated

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Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Laura doom -

Your very own illustrator! How cool is that? As cool as I am uncool for saying that, at least :>

Anyway, yes, I appreciate your need for repetition. Perhaps there are places where you could deal with the rhythmic stuff by removing the repeated words, then add them back once you're happy with the way it flows. The repetitive phrases are usually less disruptive if they appear at (alternating) ends of lines, & much less so at the end of stanzas.

It's a pleasure Shan - I think it will work out well...

(I used to have nightmares about that fan-wagging amazon)