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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in MosquitoBytes Volume 06: Decried Deity - 2005

Dark Side of the Sun

Girl of Hept

You know there was a time
When I was on my mind
I laid my burdens down
Took the time to die
I can’t tell you why
I’m sheltering the sun

You heed my every word
Now that I have drowned
Deep inside your arms
Take the time to cry
Will you ever see
The shadow of the sun

I could show you how
To die without a gun
Would you need to be
When you’re in my arms
I no longer hide
I‘m the shadow not the sun

© 2005, Mosquitobyte
 

Shannon McEwen - on Nov. 22 2008

 I really like, very powerful to me.

A couple of suggestions:

 

In S2 L4, the line is too long, when reading I lost the rythmn.

 

In S3 you use the word "die" twice, which is your emphasis I believe but could you ot use another more subtle word to replace one.  For instance "leave"

 

Just my rambling thoughts.

-----
Life is what happens while you wait for great things.



Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
Mercieca, Andrew - on Nov. 23 2008

Thanks again Shannon, good suggestions and; as you can see, I've acted on them for a change!!

 

Mos.


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