Traffic - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Traffic

Take a right at Wednesday
there’s a tunnel just on six o’clock
to get you past the hump

If you squint, the lights will suck you up
and vortex-whip your hunger
while your drive-thru brain scatters
to half past saccharine
and no-one passed the syrup

Eat the fluorine cake that coaxes
nine-to-five frostings
from the throats of marbled loss adjustors
drowning
downer popping dimorphs

brake
just to see the rosy glare of left-behind

it’s black again
and back to front, the world explodes
to Saturday and forty years
from where you turned

it’s almost rest
almost home
and gone

Rws -

It's only rest if existing as part of a wave of social plankton is what you intended when you downed your coffee. I think you've made a point that others would agree with if they weren't caught in traffic.

Leanne -

I am now going to spend at least ten minutes every morning checking my coffee for plankton.

This is a first draft only, basically just as it came out and ready to be taken to pieces. Normally I wouldn't have bothered even posting it yet but I thought maybe something raw would get people into critique mode.

I'd delete it but I get in trouble for that these days.

Aphasic -

Yeh - ok, lassitude lures, but attitude must prevail or death will become us [the prosaic, before the advent of paraphrasing - the primeval pool is our oyster?]

First impressions - however misleading:

S1
L3 "to get you past the hump" - I seem to recall 'the hump' equating with 'pissed offishness', or maybe it's that thing about making crises out of molluscs (?); anyway, I think it would read better as 'through' the hump [but hey, whatever gets you passed]
S2
L5 - my indiscriminating ear would prefer to hear 'and no-one passed the syrup', or 'and nobody passes the syrup'. That line commends itself [dear Jane], with an ambiguity that melts my glycoge; ego-centiricity either way, oscillating between bland selfishness, through coma, to self-indulgent triple-tera-everythingandsome.
S3
L1 - fluorine|gateau? Sardonic perhaps, but 'cake that coaxes' would suffice, I think (?)
L3 - did you consider 'marble(d) throats'?
L4 - this is pure slef-indulgence [my signature taste-deficit trait]; 'drowning/downer dripping dimorphs'.
S5
L2 - 'front to back' seems to be the prevailing direction of motion here, although that might interfere with the black/back device setting.
A pertinent aesthetic touch, the declination of lines from explosion to expiration.
("it's black again" - portentous Fast Show echoes perhaps? [with allowances for the reverse chronology in expression there])

I fear I've been way too arse-mouthed here - I guess it's the cerebral irrigation regime exerting undue effluence - anyway, you know I like this stuff Leanne.

I'm stuffed - too many parentheses, brackets, font-styles - gourd nite :>

Leanne -

I've made a couple of changes based on what comments I could actually understand I don't want to touch the marble bit, because of lost marbles -- and I also want them to be popping downers since it's tricky to hook up a drip on the run -- though I guess you could have one attached to your seatbelt fixture or something. One for public transport, perhaps -- diazepam on the tram.

Do you guys have the expression "hump Wednesday"? Yeah, I don't know where I'm going either.

Rws -

Hmmm...

Perhaps "over the hump" would cement the phrase into the memory a little more clearly (sort of the way Americans express surviving the mid-point of the week en route to weekend decompression days).

Just my babble.

Bill

Aphasic -

That was 1.38 am GMT - is there a daylight savings/darknight extension issue waiting to be undressed?

Hump Wednesday? That's a euphemism, right? For my~~slef~~self, the attribution is applied with no such specificity. Precipice Monday, Plateau 120, Freefall Saturday - Wednesday routinely fails to register as a distinct non-entity. But yes, aside from all that crap, I now understand the significance.

Apologies for my other deficit [glycogen] - the inevitably unforeseen way-past-saccharide syndrome.