Blue Halcyon - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Blue Halcyon

Blue Halcyon

Let these dreams come swallow me,
And consume me whole.
For I am shattered and drifting,
Having lost my direction.

Permit these eyes to close and sleep,
In soundless slumber without cries,
Without tears of pain....

Allow my sadness to slip away,
Within the sapphire of crashing fires,
Inanimate in your suspension.

Granting me peace
In your multitude of quiet flames,
Azure dancing within me
Slowly burning me away,
As I slip slowly under
Elysium clouds and turqoise waves.....

As your kiss leaves me cold.

Anstey -

What are the dreams? I think this is a bit too abstract -- a bit of concrete dreaming might be more enticing to an audience.

Also, wouldn't swallowing you mean you were consumed? (it just seems a bit redundant to me)

Hecountsmytears -

Now - if I have to decipher this for you - that would defeat the point of writing it. I take it you're not a fan of writers that use a lot of deep metaphors - like Sylvia Plath and the like.

Some people prefer concrete poetry and other prefer abstract. I prefer to read and to write abstract. (However, I do enjoy reading/writing concrete as well - which is why I like Kahlil Gibran.) If I tell you what I was thinking and what it actually means it would take away from the wonderful quality that abstract poems have. They're like word puzzles that allow each person the opportunity to assign their own value or meaning to it. I didn't mean for you to know what the dreams are - because they are mine and they're private.

Also, swallowing is what you do while consuming. Consuming has lots of meanings - to destroy, eat or drink, to spend, to absorb, or to use up. I chose a word that fit the feeling - I've been consumed completely by the things I've deamt - absorbed, spent and destroyed. As for the rest of the poem - I'm not revealing that, so I hope you got it. hahaha lol And the swallowing is just a hint at the title and what the blue flames are.

Anstey -

No, i love Plath. I am not asking for deciphering at all -- I'm saying that the language itself lacks color. It's not that the abraction is confusing or indecipherable, just that I don't thinkt he language itself is as poetic as I'd like to see.

Hecountsmytears -

Any suggestions for a better wording? The only problem I forsee with that is it might alter the personal meaning.

Leanne -

Stephan's choice of the word "abstract" wasn't a great one, perhaps -- I think what he meant is that a lot of this is borderline generic, with many cliches. Now, that's the easiest of all things to fix -- just go over it and if you find a phrase that you've seen in other people's poetry, chances are it's a cliche and you should try and come up with something that's specific to you, personally. That way you also don't have to worry about it destroying your personal meaning, because it's much more unique. The phrases I've seen several times before are:

"consume me whole"
"having lost my direction"
"soundless slumber"
"tears of pain"

Also sapphire and azure are quite obvious word choices, it wouldn't hurt to rethink those. Perhaps use something specific as an image rather than just a general colour description.

I know that sounds harsh but I've read many poems like this and if you want to lift it above run-of-the-mill angst, which I'm sure you can, it needs to have more of you in it. Plath's angst was exciting because she was the first (or first-ish) to do it, but by now these repetitions have lost the edge. Abstraction is a fantastic tool but only when the images are fresh.

Hecountsmytears -

Thanks a lot Leanne - that gives me a better idea what of what needs to be changed. I totally get what you're saying as far as that goes. Thanks so much for clarifying - time for me to do some more work on this one.

Leanne -

:) If you don't mind, I'll keep an eye on it and see how you're going.