backspacing

Leanne - on Jul. 6 2008

Catherine, there are only really two things wrong with this poem - cliches and line breaks -- and they're not hard to fix so I'm going to throw a few tricks at you and let you think about them.  Here's more or less what I'd do (given it's a Sunday morning and I'm still not entirely awake):

 

I do wish I could
Think about everything.

There's no need for the line break - this would work much better as a single statement, without "do", which is redundant.

I wish I could think about everything.

Photographs, dashboards
and what I want from life.

Taking out "and" allows each word to sink in rather than just running on, and it's best not to start a line with a capital letter unless you really mean it, as a new phrase. 

Back massages, headache tablets,

Again the and, plus a comma instead of a full stop.

Heartbreak and heartache.

Leaving in and here, because it sounds nicer and serves to emphasise the two hearts.

I'd put an extra line break before the next line and join it together with the following.  It's best to break lines that are similar, it uses the repetition (or near repetition) to best effect because it shifts slightly -- there's a technical term for it somewhere but I'm not French and pretentious.  Best to say that using pauses gives people time to think.

Paper cuts and cutting paper;
how to backspace properly.

Thinking about life too much,
and why people do
the things they do
puts strain on you,
when the strain should be
invisible

Putting invisible on its own line makes it stand out, and it's kind of a paradox since invisible means unseen.  Yes, it's odd but so's poetry.

Like a period on a fragmented.
Sentence.

In this case I'd actually stick a period after fragmented because it will piss off English teachers and I think that should be the goal of every student of English in the world.

And poems that go on forever.

You could leave this line as is, or you could try:

And poems that go on
for
ever

All at once the world can overwhelm me.

"All at once" is a cliche, and really unnecessary.  Just "the world can overwhelm me" indicates suddenness, you don't get gradually overwhelmed -- rather, your burdens increase until breaking point, which happens all of a sudden. 

The feeling lost and found you again, a feeling that we have no control.

This line is what we call "telling" -- it doesn't actually add anything to the poem, this kind of thing should be "shown" rather than being direct.  Direct takes away the challenge, which is fine for McDonalds consumers and blog poets but anyone else is going to demand more.  It could really be cut, it's covered anyway.

Blistered feet and owl pellets.
Cow dung and Daily Ohms.
Joker’s cards and happy golden cigarettes.

Think about where you need an "and" and where a comma or a line break will work instead.  Too much of the same kind of line is dull in free verse, and I doubt you want this to end up sounding like a shopping list.

With plumes trailing an esophagus long.

The image is good here but "long" stuck at the end is not terribly clear -- it's reverse syntax at best, and what do you mean by it?  Is it a long oesophagus? (Sorry, can't spell it the yankee ie wrong way)  Are they long plumes?  Are they trailing for a long time?  See what I mean?

Wavy hair, nasty emails,
And the smell of sex.

"The smell of sex" is a cliche -- it's used far too often.  There will be another way to say this.

Things we look forward to, come too soon
And things we don’t want, come too fast

"Too soon" and "too fast" are too close to each other.  The "things we don't want" line seems a little pointless, actually.  It's not giving us anything new, whereas the first line is quite strong.

And everything inside my head
Deserves a break
for a snack.

I'd just stick a break in there because I like puns.  Plus, it makes the punchline a little stronger -- pause for emphasis, remember.

Hope this helps, because you've got some good stuff going on but it needs tightening and yes, this only comes with experience.  Sorry, no pills but keep writing poetry and you'll come to crave the masochism that goes with it.

 

Callooh - on Jul. 6 2008
This is NOT Catherine -- damn site, can't get the spacing fixed.... (grumble grumble)

and I'm only a little bit jealous...