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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in The Personal Space of U668857

Bearings

Up in Ballyoan
the grey of sky and headstone
merge to cloud the view;
a wild buffeting wind
comes off Lough Foyle,
thumping up the hill
much the way it did
the day we buried you.

A sea-gull climbs and falls away;
the place is raw,
hedged with blackthorn
wet from sharp showers;
one or two, who mourn
amidst the cold exposure,
bend to spent flowers.

Lines of chiselled granite
run their death-rows
across the tended hillside:
black and grey and marble white.
I look for some point of reference
to keep me right.

That touch of the surreal again,
faintly absurd, has me flustering
down the lines of standing stone -
"In loving memory",
"In heavenly love abiding truth" -
each passing surname
locates my vanished youth.

I'm that little boy once more
who lost you in the department store -
searching up aisles, frantic,
scanning strange faces,
looking through my panic
into fearful crowded places.

I stood at the exit door
as I stand at your stone -
half expecting to find you again.

Emeya - on Apr. 4 2008
 

Hello,

 

I have some suggestions for line breaks, just for you to consider, take or leave, etc. They seem to be short and concise throughout, which I think is useful...to stick with this maybe...

 

This line could be split into two:

the grey of sky

and headstone meet;


 

and this line as well...

A sea-gull climbs

and falls away;



That touch of the surreal again, -- this line seemed a little awkward to me. Perhaps slight rephrasing? Something like "A touch of surrealism,/faintly absurd, has me parading"

 

I really like your last two stanzas. The rhyme in the second to last of "frantic/faces/panic/places" threw me off a little, just because such rhyme wasn't present in the rest of the write. The poignancy of relating relating the department store and standing at the exit door as you stand at the grave is great. I think it would have more impact if you took out this line: "contending with infinite loss and pain" only because it's quite obvious with what you're saying already and maybe too expected.

I stood at the exit door

as I stand at your stone -

half expecting to find you again.


...just a thought. If this is a recent loss, I hope that you are well. If it isn't, I still hope that you are well. This captures quite well loss and how it feels when all that's left is a headstone and memories...if only memories were enough. We take what we can get, I guess.

 

-Emeya

 

p.s. Good title too.


U668857 - on Apr. 4 2008

Many thanks, Emeya, for indepth review and some sound suggestions. I've tweaked it a bit - hopefully for the better.

BRgds., Alan.  


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