Smothered in my Sleep

who knows why I write some of this stuff??

Thick like milk gravy

it rolled in, blanketing my prone

form while I slept. It seeped

through my pores invisibly,

dreams invaded, broken.

I felt it as a monster that towered

over me, feared it as a threat

to my life. Head pounded,

heart thudded loudly, my temples

staccato drums, felt

as much as heard.

I opened my eyes against

a morning draped

in gray fog.

No wonder

my head aches.

Aphasic -

I know why I'd write it - to exorcise it before it invades the whole day :>

Would you consider seperating the 'invisibly/invading' combination, which to me reads awkwardly in such close proximity, and leaves me wondering if
it refers to the seepage, the invasion or both.

The idea of a monster is effective, as well as being 'realistic' - it personalises and depersonalises in one stroke :>

The "Head pounded...as well as heard." section seems to be a bit too 'wordy' - maybe you could make that part a little more concise to achieve more impact? The imagery is vivid, but the effect is diluted - e.g. "In a staccato drum" could lose the 'in' without affecting the meaning.

"No wonder
my head aches."
Ha! Excellent finish. Will wonders never cease? Hopefully in this case they will Rene [Wishful thinking, I guess]

Rene' -

Thank you for your wonderful input! I am always open to suggestions and critiques, workshopping is something I love. I have made some changes so, what do you think now?? The headache did go away, just as soon as the fog lifted. I have no clue why fog gives me a headache. I can also tell when the honeysuckle blooms because I wake up with a headache.

----- LIFE: I messed up, can I have a 'do over'?

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Aphasic -

Jasmine has the same effect on me - now I'm wondering why I haven't moved it from its place directly outside my bedroom window [cos I love the smell, and I'm a masochist]

Yeh - it sounds better, to my unqualified ear Rene...I just wonder [sorry - more thoughts occur with each read] if you could finish that section with "felt as much as heard", to emphasise the physical effects on your battered head :> I don't know about yours, but mine feels like it's bruised for hours after a 'skull-cap' episode, even after the 'clamp' has been removed...

Rene' -

My poetry professor does that too, each new reading makes you think of a new change or edit! Sometimes though it is the littlest things that make a big difference in a poem!! Thank you once again...

----- LIFE: I messed up, can I have a 'do over'?

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!