My Feelings are Choking my Opinions

thoughts...

I want to tell you what an ass you are but(t)

my feelings don’t want to hurt

yours. Selfish conceited jerk(off)

of a swine is what I want to call you.

My sensitive side always seems to win(lose)

the game and I walk away totally un-

satisfied(stupid). I can’t tell

you what I really feel(actually know) is

the truth of it.

You (crying) call to invoke the soft(er)

side of my heart. Begging(making me feel

guilty somehow) for my sweet words

to pour over your(black) soul

like molasses, sticking to where you need

the most petting.

I cave, like a rotten bridge, under

the assault of

I need you

I love you

I can’t do this alone

I*I*I*etc, etc…

Me*Me*Me*

is how I really want it to be now.

Damn you

Damn me

for falling for it

over and over and over again

stifling the richer side of me.

Leanne -

I do wish more people who used poetry as a bit of a purge would read your work and realise that it needn't be unpoetic drivel.

In the second stanza, I don't think "why can't I tell you" is doing you favours -- I'd suggest making it a simple "I can't tell you" statement. There's no point in appealing to the subject after all, he's kind of unresponsive. Also, I'm not sure that "introverted" is a particularly good insult -- it's more of a psych evaluation and surely that's not what you'd say if you were given open slather?

From the third stanza to the end, I can't think of anything to change. This is really good stuff, Rene.

Rene' -

Thank you Leanne, your suggestions are always on target! I made the changes and also went back to the last stanza and took out 'right' in the 'right now' statement. I think that makes is a bit stronger. Thank you for the lovely compliment about my purging efforts, I really appreciate and respect your opinion.

----- LIFE: I messed up, can I have a 'do over'?

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Anstey -
That first stanza totally grabbed me Rene.

Rene' -

Thanks Anstey! I really appreciate that...

----- LIFE: I messed up, can I have a 'do over'?

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!