Untitled Haiku - Shakespeare's Monkeys

untitled Haiku

Purposeful study
mastery arrives in time
consummate autumn

(The original for reference:

A lifetime study
a master arrives in time
autumn is now here)

Kat -

a good start.....but with haiku, the challenge is to pour as much meaning into those 17 syllables as you can......so you might want to reconsider using the words "A, a, in, is"......just brainstorming here, but perhaps something along the lines of,

"Color's life study;/
reds, yellows and orange watch for/
master's arrival."

now I'm making assumptions about your intent, so forgive me if I'm way off......but I substituted "reds, yellows and orange" for autumn......and "color's" for "time" thereby referencing the master's eternal handiwork but also opening up the next line for the actual colors......and bringing the "master's arrival" back in the last line to wrap things up

and I offer this only as an example of what might be done within haiku....."and, for" still connect the pieces, but hopefully more prudently [did I just use the word prudently??]

Anstey -

Hey Joe,

First of all, I'm so excited to see you around my friend.

Secondly, that is good advice she just gave you. I would also point out that a single word order flip would make a vast difference in the delivery and the power of the message.

A lifetime study
a master arrives in time
autumn is now here
autumn is here now.

I actually do think the first two lines can be tightened significantly, but often times (though tnot always) a ku can be saved with a powerful last line. In this case, I think the slightly inverted construction takes away from the impact, and loses a possible double intent of meaning.

When you say "Autumn is now here" you have directed the reader to which is more important, the location. The reason, I beleive is due to the slighlty unnatural order the reader feels compelled to stress the here at the end.

Now, there is a tendency to stress that way, but when the word order is in the more natural 'here now' the reader feels a bit more comfortable thinking of it both ways.

I have generally found that the best haiku are the ones that force us to ponder duality of meaning whilst avoiding irony and metaphor.

At least, I think so. I could be totally wrong. Derma is far more the master of this form than I

Anstey -

Actually, i want to emphasise a point with haiku -- every single syllable matters. It isn't just the packing of the meanings, it is the consideration of the best way to emphasize the specific intent of the whole. It is not uncommon, and in fact probably the norm, for a poet to agonize over a single preposition.

I personally love the more unformed haiku as much as the western tradition of 17 or 11 syllables. But regardless, each must be thought of very carefully.

Tracey -

This reads too soft to me as it is, meaning that while the message is intriguing I don't think the delivery is quite there yet. Try tightening this with words that make a bigger impact, whether it's their arrangement or their connotations that reverberate in the psyche.

Joe R -
All good points thanks! The "A"s bug me now, they fell like wasted syllables. I think up a new version soon.