Untitled - Shakespeare's Monkeys

untitled

sitting in dark rooms
gets old

if I had the strength
I'd make the cut myself
-a nice y incision-
remove my organs
so you can weigh and measure
their worth
we can put them back
-if you like-
or leave them out
for me to play with
when you are gone
and I am lonely

Leanne -

Orright, now, you've just got to stop this fascination with playing with organs.

"gets old" seems to abrupt, I want that line to meander a bit, like "gets old after a while" but obviously not precisely that, because that's dull. Still, as it is it doesn't sound quite weary enough.

I wonder about "a nice y incision" compared with "a neat y incision" or even bloody, or bloodless if you prefer, or cold. Nice is... well... it's ironic but not quite enough.

I do think it closes up rather nicely (no pun intended).

Callooh -

organs... no one plays with them anymore, its all just work work work... don't sound weary enough. yawn. will work on that after my nap -- playing with personal demons before letting them go play in traffic is soooo, like, exhausting.

----- Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm

Anstey -
The overwhelming ennui, cynicism and sarcastic bite are fantastic.

Callooh -
My sarcastic bark is worse than my bite...

----- Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm