Tuesday - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Tuesday

(Revised)

It is
tomorrow again
and the sun
forgets to rise
in the east.
Why should it
remember?
He knows the taste
of orange;
I know who
he pretends to be.

But Tuesday
never comes
and we could never
live here,
in the shadows
of oak trees,
where crickets sing
and someone else
tells our story.

If only you would
lie to me,
(the earth is flat
and life comes free)
rattle my thoughts
with impertinence
slipping off your tongue.
You already knew
I was the canyon
carved empty by centuries.
But you looked for me
anyway, then through me,
wandering my mind.
If only you stayed.

Best not to look
for the borrowed sky,
you once whispered
while counting
blades of grass
taller than my reach.
How many can there be?
The sun hears no one.

Leanne -

Kat, you're a master (mistress?) of capturing mood -- your line breaks are well placed and each stanza has just enough detail-to-musing ratio. I did find the first stanza in particular a little wordy and I think you could chop a couple of fillers without losing the mellow, wistful tone. Is the sun he or it? I'd rather see "he" consistently I think. Maybe try "he knows the taste of orange already; I know who he pretends to be" -- I don't think the and is needed.

Further down, "the price is free" is a little predictable, I'd rather see something more specific than price there, even if it's only "life is free" (which is a cliche, yes, I know, but it adds a little more interest).

For me the last line falls flat and I can't help thinking you could end it with a sun reference to cycle it back to the beginning more tightly. Maybe something like "only the sun knows" -- I don't know, something anyway.

It's a really pleasant read that will eventually be a really brilliant read.

Kat -
Thanks Leanne, I've been struggling with the ending on this one for awhile.......and I, too, was concerned about being a bit wordy and the overused expression[s].......so you have given me plenty of encouragement to keep revising!.......which I will continue on tomorrow.......damn, can't slip anything past the pen

Leanne -
The last line is brilliant, it actually gave me a little shiver when I read it

Kat -
I changed it!.....what was it.....I'm just brainstorming right now!

Anstey -
There's a little link at the top there that says 'history' you can read previous versions there.

Leanne -
No, that's the one I read and liked

Must have changed it just the second before I commented.

Kat -
Thanks Stephan.....you're great, dude!.....btw, I did change it back because I really liked the first change a lot, but was afraid of what the reaction would be......but Leanne's input is important to me [though I don't always listen to it!]......but most times, I do.

Kat -
aaarrghh!

Anstey -
Whatever happens, we'll always have Paris, and likely Detroit, because it's impossible to get rid of.

Kat -

you must go, go and write that poem.....or you'll regret it......maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Anstey -

I would, you know i would
i'm a poetry whore
i would do anything

for bad verse
four bad verse

five bad verse
whatever it takes.

now, then and whenever
the spirit moves me
the spare rib moves me

then hush spear it
spur it on to greatness
or paris, achilles, oh those heels
those heals that wackadoodle words
until the comment comma ant
aunt is pointilated scintilating, sin

until later,

stephan

Aphasic -
Kat - this is rapidly evolving into a excellent poem, it has a distinctive ambiance - as Leanne says, a mellow brew with a twist of poignancy.

I do agree with Leanne regarding the conflicting 'it and 'he' in the first stanza, though having experimented with the wording, I can see it's difficult to find an alternative without detracting from the sentiments expressed. My only suggestion is "No reason to
remember,/He knows..." though that removes the Q mark, which I suspect you'd want to keep.

One further observation: in S3, "But you looked for me/anyway, then through me" sounds slightly awkward to my ears, and I can't help wondering if 'But' renders 'anyway' redundant..."But you looked for me/then through me"? Maybe not - I'm obsessed with cutting stuff out, so it's probably wise to ignore that

And yes, that last line is an inspired piece of editing - it squares the solar circle with style

[Anstey - you're playing with words again. Didn't your mother warn you how dangerous that can be (to others) ]

Kat -
I struggled with the "it" and "he" while writing this, and still know it/he can be less awkward, but I don't want to lose the distinction between the two.....and alas, I can definitely be too wordy, so don't ever apologize for suggestions about that [or anything]......though I won't always take them[!]......btw, it appears to be just a brain freeze with stephan......the rhyming words seem to confuse him......but in a very poetic kinda way

La-shout -

Why is it the someone else always tells our story? Bloody unfair is that but nevertheless based upon solid fact! The earth however IS majorly flat in places...(know it, done it got the tee shirt and had it stolen)...I like the idea of a borrowed sky and a deaf sun. Some wonderful images you have snap-shotted here and this poem has that spidery eerie feeling to it...a tingle time just before the arrival of Tuesday.

~Flash~