Derma Kaput - Cool, lobal fellatio and twisted time. there's a lot in this poem that I like, (e.g. "somewhere in the distant present") but it could stand to lose a few adjectives here and there. Just my opinion, though. Pared down, I think this could be a wonderful poem.
Aphasic - Paring down - yeh, I'm not averse to a pruning session. Care to give me an example, an idea of the kind of adjectival overload to be reduced? It helps to see these things from someone else's perspective. Thanks...
Leanne - Like M. Kaput, on first read I thought this could be trimmed a bit -- but looking for specific examples, each modifier seems necessary and a lot of them are building up the punnish metaphors. The only stanza I thought could do with a short back and sides was this one:
"Somewhere in the distant present
a siren screams, drowning
in a puddle of predestiny
the irony submerged
beneath ripples of nausea
washing over stagnant secretions."
Saying both somewhere and distant in the first line probably isn't necessary -- I'd suggest you pick just one as both indicate that it's not right in front of you. You could also just say "drowning in predestiny", I don't think the puddle is adding much. Submerged already implies beneath -- try submerged in or submerged by.
Loving "petrified excrement" -- sounds so much better than scared shitless.
Rather than chopping off adjectives all over the place, I would suggest pulling some of the ands. Commas and line breaks will do it for you much faster (and sometimes quick is best).
Derma Kaput - Even if most of these modifiers are pretty essential - I definately agree - it doesn't mean they can't be slipped in differently. Sometimes I think poems just use too many in close proximity - like this line:
"I scrutinize this sticky contradiction / with passionate detachment"
It might just be me, but a lot of adjectives throw off the rhythm of the language when I read what's there - particularly if it occurs line after line after line (which isn't necessarily the case in this poem.) So "passionate" is essential to the irony, but I like the way it reads without modifying "detachment". Or sticky can be used elsewhere too. Hence, if it were mine, I'd be looking for another way to slip passion in there somewhere to convey the equivalent irony, while at the same time avoiding the typical adj noun sequence. In other words, I'd look to shake up the grammar, slipping in the modifiers by different creative means. Move them around a little bit, put them in unexpected places, or even change them to verbs or nouns. Weird, huh? I'm really picky about adjectives and adverbs. Anal retentive even. but for me its all about the sound of the language and grammatical rhythms. As if that makes any sense! Varied grammatical textures then. In this case, I'd maybe just drop "sticky". Or maybe I'd move "passionate" down to modify fissures, or replace the "and" (following the line break at lobes) with "passionately" (at the expense of a more immediate irony.) But then it starts running up against "disengaged". So, I don't know. I'd put some distance between all the adjectives, though, and play with the language.
Being anal retentive today, I like the sound of "sticky fissures." kind of disgusting though.
As far as line breaks, there's another solution to adjectives - experiment with breaking the lines between adjective and noun. Sometimes that can create some really striking enjambment or purposeful misdirection.
Whew. I'm long winded. Somebody slap me.
Aphasic - *sigh of relief* Thank you Derma, Leanne - constructive criticism - I'd forgotton how good it feels
So, I'll post back here when I've done the dirty stuff - and having cleaned myself off...
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