coping with wild bemusement

Pags - on Jan. 31 2008

Strange how poems referring to other poems amuse me so. However, as I am sure I have told you before

everything
depends on the sound
of water

To the poetry:
I find your first stanza the strongest. You very quickly evoke time and place together with a sense of time having already passed.

The second stanza has me itching to edit out the 'the's. Three feels like several too many. I want the words to earn their keep or go. I'd edit to something like

"somewhere in my (your? his? her? our? a?) backyard,
(sudden? freezing? wayward? persistant?) gusts reveal the tiniest hint of bright"

I also find "I once was told" slightly clums/jarring. How about "I once heard" or something similar - softer, less specific, more a half memory.

Lots of possibilities and, imho, a rather lovely piece of writing. I like this voice. It'll be interesting to see where where it leads you.

Pags - on Jan. 31 2008
Better. Much better. Tighter. More sense of drifting with the flakes. (I hate 'I see' but I guess one can't have everything one's own way in someone elses poem.)