So It Is, So Shall It Be...

""
-- Caelanwolf - griffey chriss - Shakespeare's Monkeys

I feel like Murphy's Law applies tenfold to the military. At very least to the Army. Maybe I'm being biased, I probably am, maybe the Cloud of Murphy(tm) just follows me around, raining on me every once in a while. If so, I most definitely must be a Washington State Soul(tm) because it seems to rain an awful lot in my world.

The bumps are bigger than the plateaus, and quite frankly I'm getting sick of it. There is this running list in my head of everything I need to "fix" right now, from the brakes in my car to my hair, to my job, and it seems as if every attempt I make to better these situations only make things worse. Or just frustrate me because they stay the same.

Little things irritate me like crazy lately. I'm irritable, moody, and downright just angry. I don't really get depressed anymore, I just get angry. I can't find the right avenue to vent my frustrations. Get a hobbie? I have many. Volunteer? Done and done. Hang out with friends? Regularly. Nothing saves me from having to come home at night to an empty house with a husband away in Iraq. Removing myself from the media and war-things doesn't help, in fact for me it makes things much harder. Reading/learning a bit here and there doesn't do anything for me, and engulfing myself into every little story makes it worse as well.

I cannot seem to find my happy medium.

The one person in my life who's ever been able to calm me, to level me and put me on an even keel is my husband. And after having him there to be able to do that for 9 months, even though I know he'd be leaving, is what makes this deployment worse than the first. During his first deployment we were just single, friends, getting to know each other mor and more, falling in love through letters, videos, and telephone calls. Now we're joined as one, literally standing beside one another, sharing a life together. I feel as if half of myself has been violently ripped away from me, and that I had only just found that half of me. He truly is my 'other half'. I understand that term so well now.

Not knowing if he'll get his leave approved, or when he'll be approved to come home on leave is tearing me apart. It adds this huge boulder to the top of everything else, and I'm beginning to really feel the pressure.

Everything is building up inside and I can't find the release valve. It makes me think of when I used to play brass instruments, and every now and again you have to release the spit-valve so the instrument works properly. Nothing's worked so far. It's like that little vavle is stuck in place and all the spit is gathering up and I'm about to gag and choke on myself. (Wow I just realized how sexual that whole paragraph really looks. Yikes. Not meant to be.)

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I volunteer, I work, I spend time with my cats, I learn new things, school starts in a week, I have great friends around me... I'm doing all the right things but some seemingly giant piece to this puzzle is missing and I can't find it. I'm missing some kind of clue here, and I've lost my magnifying glass and can't find it in the clutter of Myself.

Just.... come home and hold me. I'm drowning. I'll be okay... I reassure you hoping it'll reassure me. I'd like to hear your voice if it isn't too much to ask right now. Just for a moment. Just one moment more...