Born in a Casket

roaming again...

Laying in a shallow grave,

casket walls deteriorate, crack.

Fragile white wisps slip silently

through soft sediment, searching

for nutrients in composted soil.

Spring green fronds stretch

feverishly towards the warm, golden

caress of sun’s rays. Reaching

up in adoring ecstasy,

offering freshly unfurled

leaves to the majestic sky.

Brownish-gray armor creeps

silently up tender stalk,

reinforcing, protecting, strengthening

my stand. Throwing forth fine

fingertips, adorned with mature

green leaves, I proudly wear

brown capped acorns

that will fall to earth.

the caskets of my offspring.

Comments

Leanne -

If I look at this from a druidic point of view, the oak is knowledge, born in light, and it is through wisdom that we find strength. It is the nature of the oak to share its bounty -- the acorn being one of the predominant symbols of life and fertility. Of course, the oak also becomes gnarled and twisted with age and each new lump or bend adds to its beauty and interest.

You do have "fragile white fingers" and later "throwing forth fine fingertip" -- I'd caution against this kind of repetition. Also, do you mean "reinforcing"?

The final line is an absolute gem, one which does everything a poetic conclusion ought to -- that is, to not conclude at all, but to demand thought and force a re-reading of the poem. Very nicely done.

Rene' -

Thank you! I changed the spelling of 'reinforcing', sometimes things just slip by. I had totally missed the two references to 'fingers', I have temporarily changed the last one but I am not real happy with the line just yet. I am not at home so I don't have my thesarus with me, when I get home I will look at some other choices. I did love having the the 3 'f' sounds in a row. If you have any suggestions, you know me, I'd love to hear them!

----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Leanne -
I'd actually suggest changing the first, rather than spoiling your alliteration further down. You could try "fragile white tendrils" or even "fragile white wisps slip silently" if you wanted to go the full alliteration/assonance path.

Rene' -

YES, I love it Leanne! It is perfect and fits the sounds that I was looking for exquisitely. Thank you a hundred times over.

----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Alcuin of York -

Now you've gone and made me feel guilty for eating nuts!

You've gotten the alliteration thing good here, and the surprise ending makes the poem linger in our minds. Also, the beat is irregular but not awkward - in fact, exciting in several places: "Up in adoring ecstasy", and "brown capped acorns" for ex. I don't know what sparked this, but whatever it is, follow it again.

Alcuin

Rene' -

Thank you my friend. I have wanted to write about being an acorn for about two months, it came from 'not' being a flower and from a friend of mine being a tomato! Inspiration comes from odd places for sure.

----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!