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Shakespeare's Monkeys

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May 16, 2025  

More in Words, paradoxes, metaphors...you name it they all come alive in poetry or prose.

Dinner Time

just playing around with ideas, suggestions?

Chicken breasts boiling on the stove

thick fat dumplings

await their turn to eagerly dive

into rolling broth, selfless sacrifice,

to satisfy ravenous hunger

 

Emotions rush through blood vessels

platelets standing guard

in case the sharp knife

plunges across the pulsating vein

to end tumultuous pain

 

Bowls tremble with anticipation

on a spotless countertop that mirrors

golden trim, reminiscent of golden years,

dancing around the edges,

silver spoons reflect the gray streaks of her hair

as they rattle against the slippery sides,

like old bones in saggy skin,

of wedding china grown old

a glass ladle pours the steaming, fresh,

offering into the cavernous containers

 

Heart pulses louder and louder in ears

that don’t hear the call to dinner

brain rushes to send tears flooding

down the wrinkled cheeks

that hold each memory in loving

adulation safely tucked between

the scars of time upon her skin

and painted on ruby lips, that can’t stop quivering,

quietly call to shadows

 

no one comes to eat

Comments

Alcuin of York - on Dec. 17 2007
Who are the eager and fat dumplings? Honestly, you've got something here, but I'm not sure which of several ideas you're wanting to convey:

1) There is no one around to join you for dinner (loneliness).
2) There are people around, but they ignore the call for dinner and your preparation work (lack of appreciation)
3) The food and implements join you in your emotions.
Perhaps some combo of all three? I'd love to know. You've got something started, that's for sure.

Alcuin


Rene - on Dec. 17 2007

The dumplings are actual dumplings that I was waiting to put in with the broth and chicken while I wrote this poem. There was no one home at the time and I was thinking about Christmas and how I will most likely be alone for the first time in my life on this Christmas day. Also conveyed in my emotions is the fact that my home will soon be empty (completely) and I will be here, everyday, by myself. I don't really feel suicidal but it fit the piece and its feelings so well in my mind.

Any suggestions now? 

 

----- Rene'



I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Derma Kaput - on Dec. 17 2007
How you explain it is pretty much exactly how I read it. What I like about this poem is the way it ends, and how you set up that ending. What seems to be lacking is how you build the metaphors into the details of the meal, or perhaps how you express it. What you have, though, is very rich with possibility, and I think if you look for a more striking grammatical structure for each line and sentence, as well as a greater complexity of emotion (and metaphor) to weave into your description, the poem will open up into something really striking. Maybe find a way to work in a greater sense of conflict, or more layers of meaning. Look at each place where the poem relies on adjective or adverb, and find a more direct means of conveying the thought or mood - not by stating the mood but by portraying something concrete which pulls a similar mood out of the reader. It's difficult, but I wouldn't give up on this one Rene. Its definately a good start, though it might be frustrrating to get it to where you want.
Rene - on Dec. 17 2007

Thank You Derma! If you get time, tell me what you think now. I know it is still not finished but I have put some more time into it. I would like to know if you think it is on the way now or have I gone in the wrong direction with it? 

 

----- Rene'



I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Derma Kaput - on Dec. 17 2007
Did you add the references to aging?  I'm afraid my memory isn't good enough to know for sure, but if so its something I'd run with - a new wrinkle to what you've already begun (so to speak!).  If you find any other angles to work in, I'd go with it.  And maybe move the personifications a little more into the background, only hinted at rather than overtly stated.  I'm not sure that they advance the poem so much as detract from the powerful feelings at the core - even though you use them to express those feelings. Still, I think you're heading in a good direction.
Alcuin of York - on Dec. 17 2007
We have choice #1!

Suggestions: S1L2: "stand". S3: I don't think the asides should be in parentheses. I would comma before; and also put rattle on the next line with "against the slippery..." I have mixed feelings about spelling out "chicken-n-dumplings". It's repetitive & not really necessary, but I think it also emphasizes the mood of a house (we wish was) full of family. Finally, in S4, consider having the heart pulses deafen the ears - actually be the cause of not hearing.

The problem of "old and alone" is becoming ever-commoner as the baby-boomers age in an increasingly suburbanized society. As a lifelong bachelor, I have worked on it for years, and hence have learned to reach out some, and also to adjust some to being alone. My sister (older than me) has joined a crochet-club, and I know a lot of people who have formed other kind of relationships with like-situated people. I hope you do similar things, get 3 or 4 irons in the fire. I don't doubt there are others in your vicinity who would like to reach out too, and I'm certain someone with your imagination has a lot to offer others.

Alcuin


Rene - on Dec. 17 2007

Yes Derma, the reference to aging is new and it hit me as I was working on the revision. I will add some more references along that line now.

Alcuin, I am not worried about being alone, really it will be a new experience that I will embrace with open arms. I have never been alone before and as far as having irons in the fire, I am loaded with irons! Not only do I love to read and write but I also sew, crochet, and garden. I am also a full time college student and will throw myself wholeheartedly into my studies and be able to devote more time to them when I am at last alone...This really isn't a lament even though it comes across that way in the poem. 

 

----- Rene'



I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Rene - on Dec. 17 2007

Still revising, I am liking this more and more! 

 

----- Rene'



I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Alcuin of York - on Dec. 17 2007

I like the "selfless sacrifice" changes. Much clearer, and better impact. Glad to hear this is not biographical. I do a lot of this 'other life' poetry - where we imagine ourselves in another's situation and write about it. All the greater accomplishment!

Alcuin


Rene - on Dec. 18 2007

Do you have any more suggestions since the last revision? I am thinking about adding some more meat(no pun intended!) to the poem but I haven't come up with anything else yet.  

 

----- Rene'



I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
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