Of All Things - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Of All Things

""
-- Caelanwolf - griffey chriss - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Some days I cannot breathe. I cannot breathe without feeling a pain, a lump, a knot inside my lungs beneath my ribs near to my heart. There is a hole in my chest where my heart should reside but it lives there no more. That beating beast is clenched-tight within the fist of a man at war. I gave it up to him, in hopes that it would keep him company, find it's way into his dreams and keep the nightmares at bay. Shield him from bullets (as I'd gladly take them for him) and keep his thoughts in bright places more than dark.

And in this empty space I wear a locket with a key, it dangles inside my chest, sometimes clanking loudly as it smacks against my steel ribcage. When I run it tickles my chest, and puts a smile on my face. As I touch where my heart should live, at night when things slow almost to a halt, I feel his touch.

I am keeping afloat. I am doing okay. I am remembering to breathe, and keeping cuddly kittens close to me.

And when you're home I'll hold you just as tightly as you hold me.

1- Alcuin of York on Nov. 23 2007

Your form is prose, yet this could easily be poetry by adding line breaks and tightening the language. Examples of how you might do this (/=line break):

"Some days I cannot breathe / cannot breathe without a pain / a lump, a knot inside my lungs / beneath my ribs / near to my heart. / A hole in my chest / in place of a heart..."

Of course, it's OK as prose, but I really think it would make better poetry. In either form, you have a lot of redundant and unnecessary words. Example: "but it lives there no more". By saying "should reside", you've already indicated it isn't there. If you wanted to express that it was once there but is no longer so, the previous phrase could be"where my heart once was", which implies clearly that it is no longer there.

I do like the feelings and ideas expressed here, but I think you could tighten up the writing to make it more effective. As for changing it to poetry, this is perhaps an expression of my own bias as a poet, but in any case, this piece would adapt quite nicely.

Alcuin

2- Caelanwolf on Nov. 23 2007

It's just a blog. Which is... a journal rambling of my thoughts. And those are my thoughts as they come from my head. I don't want it to be "tighter" or least of all poetry. But thanks for stopping by I suppose! ; )

3- Alcuin of York on Nov. 24 2007

I have been a student of history for perhaps three decades. As memory best serves me, it is a peculiarity of our age to make a virtue of avoiding honing the expression of language. The modern conceit is to consider extemporaneous (and even impulsive) expression to be at least the equivalent of well considered and thoughtful use of language. I disagree. You might want to see my poem, "Tossing Paint" for a more extensive comment on that tendency.

Alcuin

4- Caelanwolf on Nov. 24 2007

While I enjoy the assumption you've made about my "virtue of avoidance" in regards to honing one's writing skills, as well as the assumption that I actually think my blogs/journal entries are "good writing", you really don't know a whole tonne about me. I don't really feel the need to defend myself when it comes to my writing skills (not that I'm professing that this piece of "work" is skillful) - I will re-iterate that it is just a blog. Just a place for me to dump my thoughts. It's not a place for me to express myself as a writer. I do that just fine through my poetry, essays, short stories, etc. and am very confident in those skills, though can always grow just as any writer can. Where did I ever say that I thought my blog was a "thoughtful use of language"? Don't take out your annoyance at try-hards and others who don't like to edit or "hone their craft" on me, as you really have no idea what you're talking about - at least when it comes to me and my ability to see what is good or what isn't. Why can't you just take what I said as a truth: that this is "just a blog". I'm not interested in honing anything. I'm interested in getting my thoughts out as they come to me, as it's a hard time for me right now. Don't assume. It makes you ugly. I don't "avoiding honing my expression of language" in the least. But, then, you really DON'T know me - save for this little blog which is, once again, just a rambling of my thoughts as they make their way out of my brain and onto the computer.

5- Jerseydanielgibson on Nov. 26 2007

wow, i feel like i'm watching a table tennis match...

----- Wot, no tea?

I'm standing in the corner of Winslow, Arizona, and whoops! I'm in the wrong song! -Tissi Germain

6- Caelanwolf on Nov. 27 2007

HAH Nothin' like a little support from the husband. You have a way with words, darlin' but not always the best timing.