Why buy toys - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Why buy toys

He picks up the black plastic barrette
With a springy metal clip
Circumspectly examines
Lets imagination override mechanics

From simple hair holder
To horrifying
Pen cannon
Where the bic never stood a chance
Against the kid
And the wall

Suddenly a rocket
Shoots as far to the ceiling
As a little arm can reach
Before it swoops, whirls, twirls
Hurtling toward the bathtub
A kamikaze plunge
With boy sound effects

A swift metamorphosis
Into a adventurous metal snowboarder
Riding an incredible
Frozen white wave
Skids across the arm of a mamma
Bumps an elbow
And flies through the air
Onto the counter

Where he solemnly closes
The little metal clip
Against the hard black plastic
And smiles one of those smiles
Just for me

1- Colleen on Nov. 12 2007

I just had to smile when I read this... I miss hearing those little boy sound effects... this brought back great memories for me!!!

2- Alcuin of York on Nov. 13 2007

Honestly, I like the message, but the delivery seems unfocused. You're depicting this partly from the boy's perspective, partly from ours. "Suddenly a rocket shoots..." is the boy's POV; "with boy sound effects" is the adult's POV. Similarly, words like "circumspectly" and "metamorphosis" are adult POV's; but the transformed images are the boy's. This tends to weaken the effect. I like the theme and the images, but perhaps it would improve the impact to expand the child's POV, shrink the adult's, and put the child's in italics.

Alcuin

3- Jen on Nov. 14 2007

Alcuin said it well and I agree with his suggestions.

I also think you could use more action words like springing, skidding, flying etc. to enhance the activeness of a boy and this cute piece.

"With boy sound effects" Maybe you could share what kinds of sound effects he is making. Is it the sounds of a helicopter, a gun and what kind of sound does a snow boarder make...maybe a whoosing sound?

4- Anstey on Nov. 14 2007

If you go with the action words, don't use the 'ing' forms if you can help it. Stick with "fly","spring","leap" .. 'ing' is the devil

(ok, not really, but focusing on making your writing more active really improves the impact.)
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stephan