Life Goes On

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-- Caelanwolf - griffey chriss - Shakespeare's Monkeys

When he's gone, life still goes on. So when you drive 10 hours across 3 states to move back to where you have the most support from your wonderful friends (because you absolutely hated the town your husband was stationed in) only to move into a house that ends up caving in, the stress starts to creep in a little bit.

When the cats get sick, it's just you to take care of them, to clean up the vomit and take them to the vets. To worry about them. There's no one to snuggle up to in bed at night and talk about your fears to. The irony is your fears grow exponentially because he is gone.

And those points of contact that you never want to get, you end up getting, because you're his rock. But you know if he's able to get to a computer, use the internet to let you know he's hurt, that it can't be "that bad". That he'll be okay in the end, that he can't be in too rough a shape. These are the lies you tell yourself, and you almost believe them, too.

Life still goes on when he is gone. School is still in session, exams still happen, cars still need to break and get fixed, dishes still need to be washed. Bills definitely still need to be paid. There's no time in this life to break down, there's barely enough time to steal a tear or two, much less stress yourself into the flu.

Most of the time it's a great thing that life still goes on, because waiting by the phone, or updating the inbox 50 times in an hour will drive a woman insane. But some days you wish it would just all stop, so you could get off the ferris wheel for a while. And just sleep until he comes home on R&R. Or redeploys. But that's not an option, so you tell yourself in the mornings of those craptastic days: Suck it up, Soldier. And you put on your foundation, and you brush your teeth, get dressed and go to work. You smile and laugh and get along with people, do your job to the best of your abilities, and come home and spend another night writing letters, reading books, watching movies, studying, cleaning, doing all the normal things you'd do if he were here, without him.

I'm pretty good at being alone, but being lonely is hard work. Tough skin I've grown, and now it's come in handy!