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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in Shan's Crap (Shannon McEwen)

wake up call - edited

Thanks Jen!

 

In this dusk filled darkened room
I see beyond where shadows loom

On the desk a picture stands
Of my beloveds holding hand

Wandering back to that day
when our troubles faded away

Past the tears of salty tracks
brain and heart debate the facts

Life's reminder a fragile clasp
within my power outside my grasp

 

 

1- Jen on Oct. 23 2007

 

I like what you wrote here. 

I think it might be a little too wordy and it throws the rhythm off.   I think if you just moved some words around or got rid of a few words it would work better.  Also the last line is forced and not much rhymes with clasp....maybe a different word?

Here are a few ideas:

In this dusk filled darkened room
I see beyond where shadows loom

On the desk a picture stands
my beloveds holding hand

Wandering back to that day
when our trouble seemed far away

Behind the tears of salty tracks
brain and heart face the facts

Life's reminder a fragile clasp
within my power outside my grasp

3- Jen on Oct. 23 2007

I 'm glad I actually helped:)
Shannon McEwen

avatar
on Oct. 23 2007
from Canada

Sharp like a wet noodle
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