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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

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stepmother (from the Hansel and Gretel poems)

 

stepmother

her words crawled
along rafters
to the loft
where hunger unspent sleep.

“lose the children
‘mongst the trees,”
was moon night’s lullaby

as sister wept and brother crept
down darkened rung
and room.

Alcuin of York - on Aug. 16 2007

I like the rhythm of this and most of the wording. "unspent" seems a stretch to be unconventional, and I don't think it works well. One doesn't 'spend' sleep, so 'uspending' doesn't fit; and given that unspending could be considered as 'saving (money)' or even 'earning' (opposite of spend), it hints at something positive, which I'm sure is not your intention. "Undid" or, even better, "harrowed" would be better choices, and there are others.
I like the "...sister wept..." line the best, and also the shortening of "amongst", which keeps the rhythm there from hiccupping.

Alcuin


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