Lost in Time - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Lost in Time

[a revised sonnet]

A man, alone, stands watch o'er ancient words

that fall from grace to land upon his page.

He chides them each to hide another hurt

that sears his past indelible with rage.

Asleep, he cries in lost chaotic rhyme

as summer leaves prepare to die again.

Awake, he mourns the boy he lost in time

to destiny bestowed from gods, and then

mere fate rewrites his poetry once more -

across an endless sky in garnet light.

His letters chant in rhythm to endure

the angry clouds announcing ev'ry night.

But though he turns away in emptiness,

his poesy still lingers like a kiss.

Tracey -
Bittersweet. Lovely meter that sounds wonderful when read out loud.

Alcuin of York -
Nice sonnet. The language is a bit like Romantic Era stuff (‘poesy', ‘grace') but it still works OK. A few nits: I think a comma should follow "past" in L4. Also, in the last line, your meter is missing a beat. I think you could correct it with something like, "his poesy will still linger like a kiss'. Or you could fudge a bit with, "his poetry still lingers like a kiss". I also find myself asking in L12, "announcing what?" You might consider finding a verb that describes better.

All said, the rhyme was excellent, the meter (except the last line) done very well, seeming natural - nothing feeling forced. The message and metaphors were consistent too. Although I like structure and meter, I'm not much of a form-writer. I've only written one sonnet, and it definitely wasn't as good as this.

Alcuin

Kat -
oh no, my southern accent is showing.....to my ear, it sounds like po-e-sy -- 3 sybs....and I was unsure about the use of 'announcing'.....was trying to convey a sense of apprehension that occurs each night......angry clouds announce the oncoming night, is what I meant......so additional revision is possible.....thanks, I always appreciate comments......btw, punctuation will forever challenge me....Kat