Alcuin of York - Why does "bled" begin L3 instead of ending L2? I find S3L2 seems to grate, but I'm not sure why. I'm not certain of your intention, so let me just note the "may" in S3. Would "can" work better for your meaning?
"Breathing in" seems to me to be too non-descript. If you're going to be so, at least be concise and say, "inhaling", though I think "drawing in" would be better. Perhaps, "heavy air inhaled / held us / silent..."
Overall, I found the images and description engaging, and subsequent re-readings exposed increasing meaning. That made it an interesting poem for me. Like most drafts, it needs polish, but underneath I think you've definitely a gem here.
Alcuin
Invite participants
Share at Facebook
Share at Twitter
Share at LinkedIn
Reference this page