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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

More in Shan's Crap (Shannon McEwen)

Tease

Please, whisper my name
in your toffee tinged voice
The slightest hitch

It gives me no choice
But to liberate a little sigh
before a satisfied little cry

Your name on my lips
With strong hands on my hips
Say it so softly sweet baby

Maybe, just maybe
I’ll listen

1- Alcuin of York on June 19 2007

I’m not certain what you were aiming for; perhaps a kind of free rhyme? While I don’t care for “hitch”, it’s certainly workable, but the next line just doesn’t sound right to me. If you were aiming for consistent meter and rhythm, it matches S1L1, but the next 2 lines don’t match S1L2 & 3. In any case, in “the slightest hitch / it gives me no choice” the “it” has got to grate on your ears too. And the two “little” lines sound out awkwardly.
I liked the beginning, and S3 & S4 are good, though I would suggest an “and” before the first “maybe”.
Alcuin
Shannon McEwen

avatar
on June 19 2007
from Canada

Sharp like a wet noodle
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