First try - Little Willies

Not sure if this is where I'm supposed to post my poetry. Any help will do...Yeah, I'm lost...

Doodles Duncan, big and fat,
Squashed his Grandma's kitty cat.
Now the cat haunts his dreams
Doodles eats until he splits his seams.

If you laugh at my poem here
I'll grab and twist your ugly ear
Toss ya out da window back'ards
Right upon a prickly cactus!

Not sure if I'm doing this right, but you can't believe the enormous amount of courage it took me to do this. Angelcat is quaking in her boots...

Shannon McEwen -
No need to quake in your boots, they're nice folks here who make some excellent suggestions:)

First of all your poem is hilarious. In the first stanza last line there seems to be an extra beat in there, other than that it's great!

In stanza 2, line 1, how about adding "all" before laugh? that would make the second line flow more smoothly.

Welcome to our community, I look forward to reading more.-----Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Anstey -

Shannon's spot on on the meter problems. I think i'd like to see you add another one about the mess left by Doodles when he split at the seams. BUT that's just me.

stephan

White_Feather -

I'm particularly fond of the last stanza. Made me laugh out loud! I'm not sure about the rhyme between cactus and back'ards though. The sounds don't seem close enough to me, so it makes a bit of an awkward ending.

Pags -

There Miss feather I beg to disagree. The rhyme of back'ards with cactus is so outrageous that I love it. Mind, I think you have to say it with the correct accent. I have a broad lancashire accent when I choose, and in that it works just fine. In a posh public school accent the vowels are much further appart.

In the first stanza I wonder about switching lines 3 and 4 about. I wish I could offer a decent suggestion about how to mend that last line though.

As to the second stanza - I LOVE it

Finally - Yes. This looks as good a place as any to post your writings. I too found the vast number of choices regarding posting and creating sections quite scary at first. hopefully I'm beginning to get the hang of it now, and you will too.

Jen -

Please don’t toss me out da window upon a prickly cactus. I’m very sensitive and I bruise easily.

Here are a few suggestions for you to consider:

First stanza line 1: Duncan Doodle’s might work better than Doodles Duncan.

“Duncan Doodle’s big and fat”

First stanza line 3: You need another beat here, how about “Kitty” instead of cat.

“Now that kitty haunts his dreams”

First stanza line 4: It had way too many beats. It didn’t flow or make sense with the rest of the poem. I think a line about the cat haunting his dreams works better.

“Endless howling cat fights screams”

Second stanza line 1: I think you need another beat to make each line the same count.

"If you laugh at my poem right here"

Hopefully this will show you what I meant:

Doodles Duncan, big and fat, ( Duncan Doodle’s big and fat)
Squashed his Grandma's kitty cat.
Now the cat haunts his dreams (Now that kitty haunts his dreams)
Doodles eats until he splits his seams. (Endless howling cat fights screams)

If you laugh at my poem here (If you laugh at my poem right here)
I'll grab and twist your ugly ear
Toss ya out da window back'ards
Right upon a prickly cactus!

Pags -

After more thought, another way to mend the end of the first staza would be to ADD unstressed syllables to the penultimate line so the couplet is more even. Get a little smut into it too if you want. My version would go something like

Doodles Duncan, big and fat,                         (X x X x X x X)
Squashed his Grandma's ginger cat.            (X x X x X x X)
Now her pussy haunts his waking dreams (X x X x x x X x X)
Doodles eats until he splits his seams.        (X x X x x x X x X)

This still gives you four feet per line but moves more predictably in the last line without changing that particular line at all.

You'll spot I changed kitty to ginger. I wanted a word that worked more for its living - ginger cat is a stronger image to me than kitty cat. it could equally be tabby, black tom or persian. But you'll want to find words that work for you of course.

I like Stephent's idea of an extra verse, though I'd be tempted to add a single couplet with a twist to it, followed by your threats to the reader.

Angelkat -

Thanks everyone for your comments. It's been quite some time since I've been on here. In the next few days, I'll be working on your suggestions and posting more poetry...uh, and figuring out how to navigate this site.

~Chelle~

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~Chelle~

~Chelle~