Begging at the feet of greatness

Has every word been torn?
From the very heart
Of the very thing I wanted to say
Left only with glib cliché
Begging and weeping
As I grasp
The long disintegrated robes
Of Sappho
Wretched in my harried attempt

Left only with broken finger nails
And chapped lips
Where I kissed the empty gravel
Trail between here and somewhere else

Body crumpled
Epigrammatic hope
Haemorrhaging from my ears

1- Anstey on June 1 2007

I don't like the question mark at the end of line one.

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stephan

2- Anstey on June 1 2007

I really really like this.

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stephan

3- Anstey on June 1 2007

that first stanza is VERY strong. I"m not sure on the last line of the second stanza, it's not bad, but I am not sure it's right.

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stephan

4- Leanne on June 2 2007

Not keen on "the very heart" and "the very thing", plus I do agree with Stephan about the question mark though I'm not sure where to stick it -- it may just be one of those cases where punctuation isn't necessary. You might try "left with only glib cliche" instead of the way you've got it. Also, you might like to consider

Left with fingernails broken

Lips chapped

or something, to shake up the rhythm a little there and give it a more desperate edge.

But... all the little picks aside, I like this a hell of a lot. It could potentially be one of your best, which is not to say all the rest isn't great

Now, how about you put it into Sapphic verse? (you may kill me now)

5- Anstey on Nov. 18 2007

Sapphic verse.. yes we need that.
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stephan