Sharing Shoes

The last stanza, to me, seems to disjointed from the rest. It fits the title, but doesn't seem to connect to the previous stanzas at all. I think that's both due to the change in the rhythm and the tone. It goes from a narrative to an imperial voice, which I suppose the change in rhythm makes sense from that point of view -- but it tripped me up too much to enjoy it.

this, vaguely mind you, reminded me fo this one:

by Shel Silverstein

Someone ate the baby it's rather sad to say
Someone ate the baby so she won't be out to play
We'll never hear her whiny cry, or have to feel if she is dry
We'll never hear her asking, "Why, why, why?"
Someone ate the baby

Someone ate the baby it's absolutely clear
Someone ate the baby 'cause the baby isn't here
We'll give away her toys and clothes, we'll never have to
wipe her nose. Dad says, "That's the way it goes."
Someone ate the baby

Someone ate the baby, what a frightful thing to eat
Someone ate the baby, though she wasn't very sweet
It was a heartless thing to do, the policemen haven't got a clue
I simply can't imagine who would go and (burp) eat the baby

• stephan

Here is how i read the meter of this.... I'm probably wrong on it. but maybe it'll help you see what i'm saying.

taDUM taDUM taDUM,
tataDUMta ta DUM DUM.
taDUM taDUM tata DUM
taDUM taDUM taDUM
 

taDUM taDUM taDUM ta,
DUM taDUM taDUM.
taDUM taDUM.
taDUMtataDUM,
taDUM ta ta DUM.

taDUM taDUM taDUM,
DUM ta DUM ta taDUM DUM.
taDUM taDUM taDUMta
DUMta DUM taDUM taDUM?

• stephan

Jen, the best tip you'll ever get for writing kids poetry:  syllables mean jack. 

Always count the beats.  Tap on the desk every time you put emphasis on a syllable, because you'll find that a lot don't warrant a tap.  In English, we sort of hush a lot of words/syllables so there are a lot that just don't matter to rhythm.  Start with counting beats and if you want to get really specific, from the beat counting start attaching regular numbers of syllables per DUM (that's how you measure metric feet, in number of syllables per hard stress).  Doing it the other way around is far, far too much work.