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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

May 16, 2025  

More in Release the Hounds

a kiss before embarking

DRAFT
oh whispering winds tell me a story
of ships on dead seas
of monkeys in tall trees
of gold,
sunlight oh yes, yes please.

tell me a story, dear zephyr
of fishermen and whales
of crickets songs and snails
of gold
sunlight through iron rails

tell me a story, Adelline
of hard heartbeats
of chocolate treats
of gold
in your hair when we meet.

tell me a story, whispering winds
of green youth forgotten
of poison ivy yet again
of gold
of gold, yes.. of gold and sin.
Jen - on May 23 2007

 

 

I really like the rhythm of this.  I have a few suggestions for you to consider.  First stanza whispering is spelled wrong.  Maybe“(Oh) whispering winds tell me a story “


The last line in the first stanza needs something more.  Maybe “sunlight upon your breeze.”  All of the last lines in each stanza could use a little tweaking, just something to make them stand out more.

In the first two stanzas your last lines begin the same with “sunlight” but then you don’t carry it through in the last two stanzas.  I think it would be better to be consistent or re-work the last line in each stanza.

You also use “of gold” in the fourth line of each stanza.  Maybe if you changed colors in each stanza it might work better.

Jeez, I hope that made sense. 

 

 


Anstey - on May 23 2007
Thanks Jen. It did. I appreciate it.
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  • stephan
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