Being pulled like a wishbone

He says a gruff goodbye
Clenches his hands
In effort
To stop the surge
Of hot tears
As she looks up at him
With thick auburn lashes
And says
“No, no bye-bye daddy”

And across the miles
she waits for his return
Wraps her arms around herself
In an effort
To contain the excitement
That makes every cell jump
And hot tears
Threaten

1- Leanne on May 20 2007

Shannon, something about this (probably the whole thing) makes my stomach hurt, in a good way. God... "no bye-bye daddy".

Now, nitty gritty. On the one hand I understand the repetition of "hot tears" but on the other, is it an interesting enough phrase? The other thing I thought of is the title. Do you think maybe just "Wishbone" would do? The pulling is implied, I think... at least for me.

All things considered, this is a very poignant bit of writing. I'd actually like to see a few of these gathered together for a larger piece.

2- Alcuin of York on May 21 2007

I agree with Leanne about the “hot tears” repetition. I also wonder about “in effort”. It seems a totally unnecessary phrase. It has no subtle secondary meaning and I think dilutes the emotion of the phrase. It appears you’re creating parallels to unify the two events, but in both, I think the “effort” lines are expendable.
I like the image of arms wrapped linked with “contain”, though I personally prefer the word “enclose” – but that’s a matter of personal writing styles only.
A very relevant piece for these nightmare sleepwalking times.
Alcuin

3- Kath on May 21 2007

The mirroring is a very strong idea and effective , and the tighter the better. I would have the two stanzas the same number of lines, to give it an equality in that way, if possible.

I love the similarity you've drawn between the clenched fists and the self embrace!

I agree on "effort" although I understand it tends to be part of the connective tissue..and the -trying- rather than the doing is the thing......Maybe ~~there could be a question there...something like "Do his clenched hands stop the surge...?"~~-and perhaps another question in the final stanza that mirrors that?

You have really created a very powerful emotional piece, that last line of the first stanza is perfectly put, and gripping--as Leanne points out.