19. persentio - Shakespeare's Monkeys

19. persentio

i feel

a mute swan
coils his reflection
on the black glass
of horn pond

to liberate the first
ray of sunlight

Alcuin of York -
Nice imagery, but the description would have benefitted much from a description of the appearance of the water as the swan splashed. This has the feel of a haiku without the structure - somewhat barren and stern. What I don't feel here is the light brush of against the back of the mind, the subtle fresh breath that's nearly indescribable.
Alcuin

Anstey -
I think the problem lies in line 2. The verb 'splashes' isn't doing enough.
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stephan

Aphasic -

I'm not convinced that 'shatters' can be applied credibly to a body of water - even its surface?

Anyway, does this approach suggest anything of merit?

a black swan
dismembers reflections
on the mute glass
of horn pond

to deny
the first ray of sunlight

Anstey -

It's hugely helpful Laura, Thanks so much! I was just going back and picking at this one. (Ergo Sum Hominus, of which is this part) -- Fred had given me a ton of help last year when it was the active project. I was reconsidering all his advice. Thanks so much for this!

Aphasic -

Did I really type that garbage? Glass can't be shattered? You are obviously too kind for my own good Anstey. I guess aggressive euthanasia would represent a dignified exit for me here. Or perhaps a concerted effort to emulate my epithet would suffice.