Hungry Hippos - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Hungry Hippos

I am updating poems for a children's poetry book and I wanted to know if this counting poem makes sense.

1 hungry hippo
Went up on2 the shore.
He met 3 other hippos
He’d never met be4.

An angry 5 of bees
Buzzed under a pile of 6,
Guarding the queen bee
And the nest they had to fix.

While 7 tons of hippo
Greedily 8 their lunch,
9 thousand angry bees
Heard them rudely crunch.

10 those stinging bees
Chased the hippos from the shore.
Now those hungry hippos
Don’t eat there anymore.

1- Anstey on May 4 2007

hey jen, I think this is a good children's tale. The one thing i might wonder about -- and you're more of an expert than me -- is whether you want to use any of the numbers out of context. if you're trying to teach a child numbers, you want the numbers to be used as numbers. So, then the question is this really teaching puns? And if so, is the audience going to want a bit more from this? I have no answers on this. I am merely raising the point. If you want to market this to that market, then you probably want the answers ready if an editor asks those questions.
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stephan

2- Alcuin of York on May 4 2007

Hi Jen,
I have the same reservations (no, not reserv8tions) about the puns. Children just learning to count probably don't know the word "tend" (or was it supposed to be "10 of"?). I also think the "five" / "hive" thing might be missed by kids. Or am I missing it? Let me know, because I think this is an exciting project. Kids have a lot of learning they need, but they have a lot of imagination to work with.
Alcuin

3- Jen on May 4 2007

“If you want to market this to that market, then you probably want the answers ready if an editor asks those questions.”

Holy crap! That would be exciting and intimidating at the same time. I wouldn’t know what to say.

Truth be told, you could say I stole the idea from Shell Silverstein but I prefer to call it borrowing. After all imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. He has a monkey poem that incorporates numbers and words in the same fashion.

At first I didn’t get it and read and re-read it a bunch of times. I think he was forcing the reader to think outside the box and stretch their imagination. I guess that is what I am trying to accomplish as well. Hopefully the stretch for imagination is easier to grasp and people won’t have to re-read it several times just to get it.

I thought people might get tripped up on five / hive and also ten /then. I just thought this was a clever and (f)punny way to incorporate numbers and words. I hope if this ever does get published, Shell Silverstein won’t sue me for plagiarism. I like my poem better than his though.

Your help as always is greatly appreciated.

4- Anstey on May 4 2007

Shel's not suing many folks anymore, you know, since he died and all.

His estate might, but i doubt it. Your work is original, and pays homage to him rather than stealing from him.
-----

stephan

5- Tracey on May 4 2007

This is very clever and fun, and while it's not a "teaching" story per se, I feel confident that it has its place in children's literature. It's certainly Silverstein-esque, and that's a compliment of the highest order! I think that when selling this you should acknowledge upfront that this is inspired by his work.

There would also be ways to incorporate some numbers learning into the illustrations. For example, the bees under the "6" could be pictured under six sticks, Five bees could be pictured outside the hive, etc.

This writing is representative of the kind of thinking kids come by more naturally, and that we encourage for a small window of time and then beat out of them as we kick them into conformity. I'd like to see more of this kind of writing at all levels to keep kids' imaginations free and vibrant.

=)

6- Leanne on May 6 2007

I thought at first that the puns might be a bit of a stretch, but I tend to think that children can do with a stretch now and then -- AND it's amazing what they'll pick up. I think this plays to a child's sense of the ridiculous very nicely.

7- Jen on May 6 2007

It's great to have a place where you can get honest, sincere and valuable feedback.

Thank you for your comments and suggestions.