Ain't Karma a Bitch - a Pantoum

In his voice I can sense the same old lies
Faded yet familiar from so many days
In his smile I can almost hear her cries
The taxman comes and it’s she who pays

Faded yet familiar from so many days
I sat and pondered his infected truth
The taxman comes and it’s she who pays
Blinded by the perverse excuse of youth

I sat and pondered his infected truth
While I bled tears upon a love’s final rest
Blinded by the perverse excuse of youth
I held his head softly to my sinking chest

While I bled tears upon a love’s final rest
She took the love he’d promised another
I held his head softly to my sinking chest
No longer able to act in place of mother

She took the love he’d promised another
In his smile I can almost hear her cries
No longer able to act in place of mother
In his voice I can sense the same old lies

1- Derma Kaput on Mar. 30 2007

pantoums, and other forms like it, always impress me. this one's no exception. I think the repeating lines are strong and work well at the heart of the poem, but I'll have to read it a few more times to really get a feel for it. somehow, there's nothing that REALLY reaches out and grabs a hold of me, and yet I like it all the same. I'll get back to it again.

2- Anstey on Mar. 30 2007

Pantoums, like Villanelle are so difficult to do well, because you have to balance the lines so carefully between multiple meanings and offer surprises that way, rather than seeking out all new direction with different words. I like what you did here.

stephan

3- Tracey on Apr. 15 2007

VERY impressive work in a challenging format. I love what you did, the way each new configuration of repeated lines works powerfully in each stanza. I love your description of the loss of love in such a "neat" and unique way.

4- Leanne on Apr. 16 2007

I'd really just like to add my congratulations to all the rest -- the pantoum is actually my least favourite of all these repeating forms and you've given it a new lease of life. It's the perfect choice, I think, for the deep-breath-let's-go-through-this-all-again kind of blend of frustration and empathy you've put into the poem.

I find the line "Blinded by the perverse excuse of youth" to be too long and I've been wracking my little brain for ages trying to come up with an alternative. Damn rhymes. I will keep thinking though...

5- Shannon McEwen on Apr. 18 2007

Thanks everyone for your comments, I know I need to work on my flow, I need some help! Thanks again for reading

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.