making choices

I have stood at the bottom of hell
where the sand is dead
and salt floats atop the water

I have looked up to the ocean
and prayed
for cool relief:

Redemption from my many sins
and a hotdog.

I have called my mother
and asked how she was,
as i thought of that salt floating there
on the waters of hell,

and wondered,
"Why is it such a shallow pool?
Why can't I drown here?

Where is the river
so I can slide
in

and forget?"

I have stood by
when the moment was ripe
with death
and watched a wide eyed soulless body
let go with one last shudder
one last breath

and wondered if Hell's salty water
might relieve her chapped lips
before she left.

I have raked my hands
through burning coals
and watched my flesh
fall off in butchered chunks

until the meat of me was cooked --
another dinner served

and i wondered if i needed seasoning
could i lift that salt
from the waters of hell
and scream my name
as I my flesh was chewed.

I have stood at the top of heaven
where the sun set
like a billion tons of gold and rubies
then waited
for the first kiss
of another perfect night

and wondered,
If I drove all day
tomorrow, could I get back to hell?