I will never understand this juxtaposition of my thoughtlessness.

i wallowed in blood for a half-hour
before I got up to puke orange juice
and mucus --
the pity?
Only that you were disturbed
as i wretched and called for God.

Each word in my head rang
with that same scarlet blazing
through sunset and that prism
7:18p.m. July 14th, 1977

these two moments:
{ heaven hell }
juxtaposed for my fevered
delight here by the toilet
here on the bed
the bial in my throat again.

I get up to jot this thought down
but it is thoughtless of me
as you lay in bed half-awake
aware only that I have left
again to let you suffer alone.


these two moments:
{ heaven hell }
juxtaposed in your twilight
dreams there by my pillow
there on my bed
the bial in your heart again.

You will never understand that sunset,
I don't think.