building space ships with Cameron

Alcuin of York - on June 5 2007
Some cool techniques here, but “tabled like bad motions” doesn’t feel right to me. I understand the reference, but that reference has no relevance. Perhaps substituting “emotions” for “motions” might work better. I also think you might want to consider adding “out” on the next-to-last line: “notions of my past left / left out on the old oak table / right out where you could see”
I really like the experimentation with words here. Both the repetition and hyper-use of prepositions make this interesting.
Both thumbs up!
Alcuin

Anstey - on June 5 2007

thank you both! Alcuin, i implemented those changes. Really appreciate that feedback, I think it makes a nice little difference.

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• stephan