Refill Your Pleasure Tank

(*Critiques please)

a grassy whisper

silky soft

upon the prairie

murmuring a long forgotten name

vital colors

inflexible

against the distant exhaustion

all along the way of never-ending

the muted ache of solitude

tied crossways and with purpose

he murmurs her name

Comments

Derma Kaput -

This is nice, but I get a little lost in the abstract language that makes up the middle of this poem. Not that I can't follow it, but I lose interest--it doesn't grab me. Which isn't to say that the words themselves don't "flow" beautifully from one to the next; the poem is well-composed with a good ear to sound. But I leave the poem with three basic lines, which I like:

a grassy whisper / silky soft // he murmurs her name

That part I like quite a bit. The rest (particularly the third stanza) makes my mind drift.

Laura doom -

Initial thoughts:
a grassy whisper/he murmurs her name: I like that conjunction, but the impact is dimished by murmuring a long forgotten name. I wanted to make that connection myself, without the given 'murmuring' link. As it's a whisper, could you do something like: blows|wafts the prairie/a long forgotton name?

inflexible: I'd prefer to see a verb here, something that actively contrasts the immediacy of the moment with the vagueness of the mundane, which is how I read that stanza. Distance implies a horizon, and exhaustion not only suggests 'tiring/tiresome' but also indirectly comments on contemporary life, encapsulated in the idea of exhaust fumes; and that serves to emphasise the familiar 'haze' of horizons, and of course, it connects with the title. That, unsurprisingly, is my favourite line here :>)

all along the way of: a bit vague.

tied crossways and with purpose: I think that line epitomises what Derma described as 'abstract language'. I found myself considering so many interpretations that I lost my 'feel' for the poem as a whole.

Laurie Blum -
OK, first half good, major overhaul second half! Thanks. The end did seem a bit jumbled, but I needed to confirm it.

You know how you keep re-writing something and then finally say 'Arrrgh' I did put this out a bit unfinished, but can now look at it again with a fresh perspective. You all are so helpful.

I used to cringe at critiques, now I know to treasure the feedback.

Laura doom -

Yeah, as I understand it, the idea of this site is to encourage development in terms of writing, editing/critiques and appreciation. I guess anyone who merely wants a place to post a library of 'finished products' will be in for a few surprises. Critiques themselves are subjective, but at least they give us an idea of what works and what doesn't and, hopefully, why or why not.

Critiques of critiques are fun :>) Blah blah [wipes mouth and flushes]

Stephan Anstey -

I am not sure sure what I'd do with this. Much of it I like. I tend to agree with Derma - the first few lines are the strongest. I like a lot of what Laura said as well. When I was breaking it apart, these are the sorts of edits I was considering.

a grassy whisper murmur
cornsilk soft
upon the prairie
murmuring a long forgotten name ... a name ...a name

warm vital colors inflexible
hues lean
against the distant exhaustion

solitude,
all along the way of the never-ending ribbon
the muted ache of solitude
tied crossways
and with purpose

he murmurs her a name ... a name ... a name

Stephan Anstey -

Oh, I also don't like the title much at all. I don't feel like it reflects the piece. I feel like i'm missing something with it. It made me want to read the poem in a sort of sexy or silly ironic way or something, but I didn't get that.