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Shakespeare's Monkeys

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Gentle Dream

Just about how a dream feels

I realized the truth, as it slipped past in the stream
gently persuading, turning phrases like a dream

Appended in portraits, subdued fractured mind pilots
diligently guiding, painting temporal violets.........

Drifting sylyloaque, realized quick, then forgotten
lingering gestalt, preview or play, verboten

Stricken, mindful heart, how you attach such elegance
realms fully realized, found soundly sleeping by chance

Curative, redeeming nature, passions stronghold, torn
stumble into wakefulness, sub-consciously, wholly shorn

Midway reassembly, collective thought returns unbidden
stepping into ordinary, no longer fully hidden

Regret at leaving, efforts hampered, home just slips away
cognizant commands, shrug off dreams! its another day

Leanne Hanson - on Nov. 9 2009

First lesson of meter is accented and unaccented syllables, or down-beats and up-beats, or strong and weak, whatever you want to call them.  The accent/ up-beat/ strong stress is the DUM part of a da-DUM.  In strict meter, like iambic pentameter, you want to keep both strong and weak stresses to a regular pattern but if we're not being strict (and today I'd rather not) then the best thing to remember is that you should always keep the number of strong stresses in a rhyming poem to a pattern, so that your rhymes fall in the right places and they're not wasted.

For example, take your first two lines and compare yours:

I realized the truth, as it slipped past in the stream
gently persuading, turning phrases like a dream

 

with this:

I realized the truth, as it slipped past in the stream
It was gently persuading, turning phrases like a dream
 

Both have four strong stresses per line but the second softens it with a couple of extra syllables so that when you read it out loud (as is always a good idea) it takes about the same time and nothing is stretched or hurried. 

 

By strong stresses I mean it is read like this:

 

i rea-LIZED the TRUTH, as it SLIPPED past in the STREAM
it was GENTly perSUADing, turning PHRASES like a DREAM

 

Since you start with soft/weakly stressed syllables and end with strong ones, it's best to continue in that pattern.  Your next line, however, has a lot of words crowding it out and doesn't "scan" nicely.  (Scanning, or scansion, is poetry-speak for how it looks when you break it down into sound patterns).  It will take a while but you'll get the hang of choosing the best word for the pattern -- and there's ALWAYS an alternative, it just takes some discipline.  A lot of the criticism of rhyming poetry is that it's too restrictive and doesn't allow creative freedom -- this is basically bollocks from a bunch of lazy folk who've only ever tried free verse.  Rhyme can often take your poem in directions you weren't at first expecting, but if you practise enough you'll realise that YOU are in control, not the poem. 

It does take practise though.  If you've only been writing poetry for a few months, take heart -- I've been doing this for twenty years or more and I've still got plenty of things to learn, with loads of room for improvement! 
 


Dan Caldwell - on Nov. 9 2009

Cool, now thats info i can use to improve,vs the dead end criticism I usually get, that offers no help just complaints. thanks i will read it like you suggest and see if i can figure it out. I still want to hear your opinion of the untitled prophecy poem though, Its one of my better ones and so any suggestions will be appreciated, i would like to make it a real good poem if I can


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