love letter to my landlord

last monday,
after drinking a fifth of scotch
while feeling frustrated and angry
i wrote to my landlord

Dear Landlord,

today i noticed that my furnace
(being just under 40-years-old)
sucks.

Not in the good way of well-heeled-hookers
or happy stupid women desperate to please their men
but in the dentists-vacuum-sort-of-way
that leaves me dried out and angry
for days.

while you might think it's ok for me
to wake up cold every morning,
i am here to tell you how i hope
you die.(choking on a rancid olive,
or drowning in a big bowl of raspberry Jello)

get me a new furnace
or I swear to God,
I will slit your throat.

Fondly yours,

Stephan Anstey

God, sometimes it sucks owning a home.