2- Jen 
on May 9 2007
Yeah, I know it is off here and there and needs some major tweaking.
My origional first stanza was:
One wicked night
When the moon was green
Six withches gathered together
It was a sight to be seen
I changed it trying to make the meter better. I think it's the third line that needs to be tweaked the most. That one doesn't have to rhyme and I can work with it more.
I'll have to think about your other idea too. I really appreciate the help!
3- Jen on May 10 2007
I changed the first stanza....hope it flows better.
4- Anstey on May 10 2007
The mist it did spread.Looking at this stanza(or are these technically 'pages?'), there are a few things that bugged me.
From the pot it did rise.
Swirling and whirling
Into the green moonlight skies.
- The inverted order in lines 1 & 2. The first of the inversions is easy to fix, but the next one might be a bit tricky to maintain the rhyme.
- wouldn't it be 'moonlit' not 'moonlight?'
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- stephan
5- Jen on May 10 2007
I think that each set of stanzas would be a page. I'm not sure though. Tradionally picture books are 32 pages with illustrations.
I ordered a catalouge from a publisher and they said there is a demand for Halloween picture books. I remembered that I had this and though it might be worth fixing up.
I wrote it about 2 years ago and haven't done anything with it since. Maybe it needs too much work. I'm just wondering if it's even fixable.
6- Anstey on May 10 2007
This is definitely fixable. We should find you an artist to work with too. Start adding pictures. Maybe if you sketched out the pics, it'd help you. If you need 32 pages, then write it that way. Go for the standard. This is workable. Don't back down because it's hard!-----
- stephan
7- Jen on May 10 2007
Thank you for your encouraging words.
I will keep at this even if it kills us all
8- Jasmine Mann on May 10 2007
The main thing this needs work on is the meter. Throughout the poem it has a beat somewhere, but it gets thrown off a lot. I think if you read it out loud that would help to see exactly where you stumble when you read it.
Like with the first stanza i think it would sound better if you had "joined" instead of "came":
"One dark night
When the moon was green
Six witches joined together
On a wicked Halloween."
And in the second stanza, i think it sounds awkward because "unkempt" and "crept" don't really rhyme so much, but here's my suggestion:
"Their hair was dark,
Straggly and unkempt,
Black hats, pointy noses,
Under the witching tree they crept."
And so on. I'm terrible at rhyming and not so good at meter, but i hope i helped. It's a promising poem. Keep us posted.
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Well, poop.
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
9- Jen on May 11 2007
I appreciate all the help that you guys give
1- Anstey
on May 9 2007
I definitely think this needs some meter-tweaking. I'm just going to focus this time on the first stanza and a thought for a later one...I'll be back to this as I'm able though.
In that stanza, your two lines have a VERY strong cadence to it that is immediately tossed out in the next lines. I would suggest trying to nail the beat of "ONE wicked NIGHT/when the MOON was GREEN"
"SIX witches CAST a SPELL blah blah BLEEEE"
as opopsed to: "SIX witches CAST a SPELL what a SIGHT to be SEEN"" it's that extra anapestic foot in there that is bothering me.
Later in the piece, I just had an idea, I thought I'd share, it might suck...
why not:
Hocus! Pocus! they CHANTed
And Snaily Slime Tails!
For some reason the inversion seemed interesting to me there. Maybe nothing -- thought I'd let you decide.
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