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I'm desperately trying to find something to compliment in this "poem". The rhyme? ‘Scream' does NOT rhyme with ‘mean', though the other 3 are OK. The rhythm? If you didn't happen to notice, S1L4 is anapestic, unlike the other stanzas' ending lines. Basic rules? "Toes they curl" is a great example of using an inversion to achieve a rhyme. (Yes, that's a basic method to avoid.) Spelling? "Awhirl" is one word. Sophisticated language? Not at all. Subtle message? Yeh...right. More than one level of meaning (i.e., overtones)? Not a one.
I guess I'm supposed to give you suggestions for improvement, but I truly think that nothing less than a total deletion or a complete rewrite would be in order. However, I will suggest something that my own past experience has shown me to be helpful: Rather than writing a couple of dozen quickies like this, take 24 times as much time to craft a single one more complex and subtle.
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on Dec. 4 2007