Alcuin of York - I'm desperately trying to find something to compliment in this "poem". The rhyme? ‘Scream' does NOT rhyme with ‘mean', though the other 3 are OK. The rhythm? If you didn't happen to notice, S1L4 is anapestic, unlike the other stanzas' ending lines. Basic rules? "Toes they curl" is a great example of using an inversion to achieve a rhyme. (Yes, that's a basic method to avoid.) Spelling? "Awhirl" is one word. Sophisticated language? Not at all. Subtle message? Yeh...right. More than one level of meaning (i.e., overtones)? Not a one.
I guess I'm supposed to give you suggestions for improvement, but I truly think that nothing less than a total deletion or a complete rewrite would be in order. However, I will suggest something that my own past experience has shown me to be helpful: Rather than writing a couple of dozen quickies like this, take 24 times as much time to craft a single one more complex and subtle.
Alcuin
Mosquitobyte - he he, comments are not only entirely accurate, but appreciated. You should note however, that the collection this belongs to (Early Bytes) was penned between 1983 and 2003, this particular one was 1995 if I recall. One hopes I've improved since then. For one, I never care if I ryhme or not these days, it's the message I contemplate more, a far cry from this tragic piece.
Once again though, I do appreciate the comments and I certainly won't disagree with you for the most part.
Mos.
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