Vee-ku - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts	on Feb. 12 2007 Yeah, I think this is too obscure for a haiku of any sort. Haiku need to be very present with a clear moment of revelation and a seasonal/nature theme. I'm missing that quite a bit. Still, I admire the attempt! Keep going! stephan
Rhiannon Jones 88 posts	inspired from anstey on Feb. 13 2007 Anstey: Thanks, Stephan. I thought that the "swoop" would be the moment of revelation....it was supposed to be about vultures! I'll keep tryin'.....
Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts	inspired from anstey on Feb. 13 2007 Rhiannon Jones: I think the lack of impact onthe swoop is directly from the lack of clarity in the previous two lines. At least, that's what I think. stephan
Rhiannon Jones 88 posts	inspired from anstey on Feb. 13 2007 Anstey: Okey Dokey. Here was the original version, before I got all crazy with the letter V. Does this work any better? Sky ominous white Black v-wings spiralling down Vultures swoop earthward
Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts	inspired from anstey on Feb. 13 2007 " Anstey: Okey Dokey. Here was the original version, before I got all crazy with the letter V. Does this work any better? Sky ominous white Black v-wings spiralling down Vultures swoop earthward " Actually, yes. I like this much more. I think the clarity helps a lot. I'm still not sold on the moment of revelation, however, it's there -- even if i think it could be stronger. All in all, a much more worthy effort, I think. stephan
Kath Abela Wilsonfrom after the dance 290 posts	on Apr. 1 2007 I think that even if there were a lot of vultures, the moment of revelation needs only one. If the last line were changed to "a vulture..." it would be more ominous and effective. I do think the original had a swoop of revelation too...