2- Alcuin of York 
on Feb. 18 2008
Goodness - something besides children's poems. That's great, though the occasion that sparked it is unfortunate.
This is good, but I think the last line is a bit strong. It reminds me a bit of Louise Gluck's labor day, with a short nastiness of "You pimp", but there it is effective because it is totally unexpected. I suggest something a bit more indirect, like "perhaps it will cut off..."etc., or something similar. The only other suggestion is S1L2, the "and" is unnecessary if you comma the previous line. I think the rhythm would sound out better. Also, in L3, it should be, "but you see only..." - both correct grammar and better rhythm too.
Again, this is good writing, and I hope to see more writing from that passionate place in you.
Alcuin
3- Jen 
on Feb. 19 2008
My mother-in-law is alive but ill and I guess I am foreshadowing this situation. I usually don't write about personal stuff for fear that it will come back to bite me in the butt. I certainly hope this situation does not happen but I've watched it happen to this family in the past.
4- Anstey on Feb. 19 2008
Make it memers only and we'll keep it all between us.
love,
stephan
1- Alcuin of York
on Feb. 18 2008
Goodness - something besides children's poems. That's great, though the occasion that sparked it is unfortunate.
This is good, but I think the last line is a bit strong. It reminds me a bit of Louise Gluck's labor day, with a short nastiness of "You pimp", but there it is effective because it is totally unexpected. I suggest something a bit more indirect, like "perhaps it will cut off..."etc., or something similar. The only other suggestion is S1L2, the "and" is unnecessary if you comma the previous line. I think the rhythm would sound out better. Also, in L3, it should be, "but you see only..." - both correct grammar and better rhythm too.
Again, this is good writing, and I hope to see more writing from that passionate place in you.
Alcuin