2- Anstey 
on June 29 2007
I'm not sure I agree with Austin specifically, though in principle that's ALWAYS good advice. In this case I don't see the language that might be too much. Maybe the word seraph is a tad uncommon, I might agree there -- it seems like that's the one stanza where the lexically challenged might suffer most. I am a sucker for pieces about family and nostalgia, so this does hold great appeal.
I am not sure of 'of presence' in the first line, though i see the problem of simply removing it as it is the counter to the expectations.
"static and unchanging" is redundant. in S3 L1
I am not sure the repetition of 'aura' is necessary.
The mood of this piece is excellent, and there's definitely that scent of old people about it.
- stephan
3- Kzealy on June 29 2007
-----
No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one Can make you feel inferior without your consent.
4- Anstey on June 29 2007
Wow, I want a rut that's that productive.
-----
- stephan
1- Aesthetic Psychosis
on June 29 2007
All right.
The first thing that leaps out at me is that the reader can be jumbled up in the vocabulary of the piece. Personally, I understood it, but even I had to raise an eyebrow at some of the phrases. I think that if you went back through and substituted some of the words that have simpler alternatives, your message would come along in a much clearer fashion.
Austin