More in Ginevra Requests the Honor of your Presence and Critique
Ginevra Requests the Honor of your Presence and Critique
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The original was written in iambic (duh-DA) rhythm with a meter of 5-5-3-3-5. I cheated a bit in a few places, such as S1L5 (the REST of his LIFE to FIND a COM-for-ting LEA. Cheating a bit is often necessary to keep a phrase sensible and skipping along, which the comedic theme required. However, the words I cheated on are ones normally not emphasized: “of the” and “-forting” in this case. Compare this to your first line:
you SAY your de-SIRE BURNS a LI-ra for ME.
The “-ra for” are like my example – technically incorrect, but reading OK because of the normal deemphasis of the syllables. But the only way to read the “desire” right is to sound it as, “DE-sire”, which is definitely awkward. In L2, the same problem occurs at “shade ‘neath this juniper”. “Shade” and “neath” demand to both be emphasized together.
To summarize, your rhythms need some rework.
Your rhymes are good, except for S2L3-4, but even they are near enough.
Your theme is excellent. Where I emphasized an apparent coldness of expression (observed by art critics as well), you’ve been sympathetic to the character, and as a result, have added depth that my poem lacked. Yours is not a humorous write.
May I suggest for S3L1: “Your power, wealth may seethe gold rings, impress;” (Love the “seethe”)
It’s good you looked up the bio, Julie. I had no idea there was that much info on her. Juniper in Italian (ginepro, if I recall) alliterates with “Ginevra”, but perhaps your explanation was Da Vinci’s true intended meaning.
And the original title was fine; I wasn't sure if you wanted to have it hammered after the work and feeling you obviously put into it.
Alcuin
you SAY your de-SIRE BURNS a LI-ra for ME.
The “-ra for” are like my example – technically incorrect, but reading OK because of the normal deemphasis of the syllables. But the only way to read the “desire” right is to sound it as, “DE-sire”, which is definitely awkward. In L2, the same problem occurs at “shade ‘neath this juniper”. “Shade” and “neath” demand to both be emphasized together.
To summarize, your rhythms need some rework.
Your rhymes are good, except for S2L3-4, but even they are near enough.
Your theme is excellent. Where I emphasized an apparent coldness of expression (observed by art critics as well), you’ve been sympathetic to the character, and as a result, have added depth that my poem lacked. Yours is not a humorous write.
May I suggest for S3L1: “Your power, wealth may seethe gold rings, impress;” (Love the “seethe”)
It’s good you looked up the bio, Julie. I had no idea there was that much info on her. Juniper in Italian (ginepro, if I recall) alliterates with “Ginevra”, but perhaps your explanation was Da Vinci’s true intended meaning.
And the original title was fine; I wasn't sure if you wanted to have it hammered after the work and feeling you obviously put into it.
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on June 12 2007