 Walker, Kathleen 156 posts |
I like the 2 sets of rhymes, but might suggest a break halfway through the poem......the meter works well and makes this flow as a song.....perhaps "writ" might read a bit more smoothly than "written"......what do you think about deleting "When" before 'thunder and lightening'......and changing "the" to "one" --- "in one grain of sand" [?]......Kat |
 Fallica thomas 46 posts |
i'm still not quite sure how i actually posted this here....and you want me to EDIT it...sheesh |
 Melden Fred Associate, 1848 posts |
This has a nice beat except for the "written" lines. They seem a bit awkward. Perhaps using "writ" would improve it. The repetition of the last pairs of each stanz'a lines gives me mixed feelings. It seems a bit like filler, and a too easy rhyme; on the other hand, it makes the poem more self-reflective. Overall, I liked this, and liked the efficient use of storm elements as metaphors. Alcuin |
 Paradiso, Tracey Associate, 1902 posts |
Sounds like a song to me and as such, I'd love more (this feels like the refrain). I agree with what Alcuin wrote about substituting "writ" for "written." |
 Ruth Elliottfrom Neverwhere Associate, 763 posts |
well it looks like you've managed to post AND edit - well done! I agree it does sound like a refrain, if you single space it, it may appear tidier (copy into plain text editor and then paste) No other suggestions from me - I quiet like it. |
More in Poetry Workshop
Rainstorm
Sing me a rainstorm
of sad lover tears.
Fill it with thunder
that rings in our ears.
Paint it with lightning
that covers the years.
Sing me a rainstorm
of sad lover tears.
Cry me a river
writ in your sweetest hand.
When thunder and lightning
drown out the band,
find me that world
in a grain of sand.
Cry me a river
writ in your sweetest hand.
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