The Narrator Observes his Reader - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Deadpoetsmilk	on June 24 2007 Actually what I was doing was carrying the stress over to the next line.
Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts	on June 24 2007 I'll try to look at it closely in a few minutes. fondly, stephan ----- stephan
Shannon McEwenfrom Canada 463 posts	on June 25 2007 I'm not an expert by any means, hell I'm not even an amateur (I'm below that:P) but I can say I do really like the style of this, and I think it works well. ----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things. Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts	on June 25 2007 I do like the poem, but i'm not quite sure i see what you're doing with the stresses. I notice times when you try to start on a stress and others where you end a line on a stress. What's the pattern you're looking aiming for? I think this does work, for the record. specifically the breaking with the '-ment' which has the double entendre and works well in both ways in that spot. ----- stephan
Deadpoetsmilk	on June 25 2007 I don't even know what I'm saying...damn... Okay let's see if this makes sense? Because I'm not very good at vocalizing...but here's a try: L1 Iambic pentamter L2 is still iambic but the ictus is carried over to the next line L3 Which I guess becomes trochaic, but this is where the problem comes in, because in the last line I left the unstressed foot there and carried the stress over L4 ect...does the same thing but inverted and returns to iambic?, but basically through the whole thing I'm subtracting a syllable but still keeping it accentual through each line...see this is the whole problem, I don't really know what I'm doing, all I know is that I think of the whole thing as iambic, but I don't know if some lines are trochaic or if they're iambic because of this form of modulation that I'm using....ie the carrying over of the stressed or unstressed foot to the next line?
Deadpoetsmilk	on June 25 2007 Also I'm wondering if anyone has seen such a form as this? Or heard of one...
Leanne Hansonfrom Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3708 posts	on June 25 2007 Yes, it works, and yes, every second line (after the first two) becomes trochaic technically even though the whole thing reads as iambic -- and it is consistent, as far as I can tell, until the last line where, if stressed naturally, you've actually thrown in a spondee at the start.
Derma Kaputfrom Possum Grape, Arkansas Associate, 2156 posts	on June 25 2007 technically, I love what you're attempting here and aesthetically, I like the poem quite a bit. The fact that your metrical exercise is mostly inobtrusive to the way the poem reads is a big plus - it has a very natural cadence. the only place where it falls down for me is when you split "alluring" between the two lines. but overall? nice job. The title (and how the poem plays it out) is wonderful.
Deadpoetsmilk	on June 25 2007 Thank you Derma. I thought the caring over of lluring to the next line was awkward as well, and thanks to Leanne's keen sense of meter I have to correct a spondee as well... Ryan.
Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts	on June 25 2007 If Leanne were a Superhero -- I think she'd wear a big blue cape and be called, "Meter Maid!" ----- stephan
Deadpoetsmilk	on June 26 2007 Yes a cape and an insigna of the American flag...I mean Australian flag.
Derma Kaputfrom Possum Grape, Arkansas Associate, 2156 posts	on June 26 2007 yes, but then we have to start calling her lovely rita...
XFATHOMx Johnnyfrom Awesometown, CA 1 post	on June 29 2007 i remember you... good to see your words again. however, your entire visual effect is ruined by the fact that the "a-" line is shorter than the "-lluring" line in the first stanza.