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This is good – difficult to grasp fully, because there are so many elements you have pulled together. (This is not a criticism, but a compliment.) Going through it repeatedly, I was able to discover increasing extents of content and implications, and this made reading it very rewarding.
Some critiques: In S2, I think eliminating the commas and periods at the end of the “I have no rings, / no leaves.” would work better; if you don’t agree, then the period after “leaves” should certainly be a comma, not a period. Also, at the end of S2, I would change “called” to “named”.
In S3, the phrase “is the clearest view of the wound” should be set off with an em dash or semi-colon instead of a comma. The length of the sentence makes it a bit awkward. Also, in the phrase “holy black sod that are the sapling's home”, I think the “are” should be “is”, n’est pas?
Finally, I think the end of the S4L1 should be a comma.
I like both the theme and its execution. You have put us in the place of an object we normally regard as extremely inanimate and alien to us.
Alcuin
Some critiques: In S2, I think eliminating the commas and periods at the end of the “I have no rings, / no leaves.” would work better; if you don’t agree, then the period after “leaves” should certainly be a comma, not a period. Also, at the end of S2, I would change “called” to “named”.
In S3, the phrase “is the clearest view of the wound” should be set off with an em dash or semi-colon instead of a comma. The length of the sentence makes it a bit awkward. Also, in the phrase “holy black sod that are the sapling's home”, I think the “are” should be “is”, n’est pas?
Finally, I think the end of the S4L1 should be a comma.
I like both the theme and its execution. You have put us in the place of an object we normally regard as extremely inanimate and alien to us.
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on June 5 2007